My Husband, the Cock Block

I have been whining about wanting to go on a tube down the river adventure forever. Okay, it’s more like 2 weeks but that’s a very long time when you get fatter/more pregnant by the day. Finally my MIL called and told us we should go so I squeezed into last year’s bikini and prayed that I wouldn’t pull a Tara Reid. At this point, a tankini or a swim dress isn’t going to hide anything anyway, so I figured what the hell.

I’m fairly certain the teenage gawkers thought I was sporting more of a beer belly than a baby bump but two older women assured me I looked great. Even though this “adventure” was more of a “get in this tube and float down this river at 7-9 mph adventure” I felt pretty damn stupid being 7 ½ months fat/pregnant with all the college kids who were there to get trashed. Then I saw another preggo and figured I was probably okay.

The best part of the day? When my husband cock blocked his own Mother. It was H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. And there's a good chance I peed.

My MIL does not look like she has 5 kids let alone that she is about to become a grandmother. She’s only 41 but she looks way younger, kind of like Cameron Diaz but without the Ernie shaped head. Embarrassing as it is to admit, she gets hit on by 20-30 year old men more than I do…even when we’re together…and the Hubs is not with.

So back to J’s cock block, there were two guys who had just rolled out of bed (at 2 o’clock) and decided to go for a tube ride. I was sure they were no older than her oldest son but I guess they were 30 and looked and acted like they were 25 but that’s not the point. The point is she thought one was hot and wanted to make him J’s new step daddy. We finally floated to a huge in-the-water party where the “hotties” had stopped. There were blow up mattresses and floating coolers full of what I can only assume was Busch Light and wine coolers. It was only a few seconds before she demanded that I unhook her from J and I so she could join the party and do whatever 30 year old man children and 41 year old mothers of five do…on air mattresses after they have had a few drinks.

I’m no idiot, so I let the current take us on our merry way but Jordan jumped off his tube and started walking us both back to where my MIL was getting trying her groove back. I mean, for Christ’s sake, what did he really think he was going to do? Tell the “hotties” to leave “Grandma” alone or that her 4th divorce was just finalized a few weeks ago? My husband is an idiot sometimes so I told him that he was being a cock block and it wasn’t cool, even if it was your Mom. Then I spent the next 15 minutes what a cock block was. Apparently I’m “gross”.