Thursday, November 10, 2011


You're probably wondering where the eff I have been, right? Packing, painting, ripping up floors and reconfiguring kitchens. Yup, we're moving. Again.

It's bigger. For more babies...and a banquette. More details once we're settled and I have internet again.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Baby Mermaid

Costume done!

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Amazeballs, right!?

If you have costume photos of you or your chil'run link them! Loooooove costumes!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Nooooo! A tooth!

Jesus! It’s Tuesday already? I don’t even know how that snuck up on me since time goes by in slow motion when your baby is cutting three teeth at a time. Three! Oh God, please give me the strength to NOT RUN AWAY this week.

Jillian’s first tooth came in around two weeks before her first birthday. This is pretty much how it happened…

Three teeth. One week. Between the crying and whining and Jillian’s general pissed off-ness I really wanted to run away. Whining is the WORST. Crying I can deal with, crying can generally be remedied by food or a nap usually but whining is a different, patience testing story. I know when I’m in a whiny mood ain’t nobody going to fix anything and everyone is going to suffer right along with me. Unfortunately my Mom cast the “I hope you have a child just like YOU!” curse and whining is the kiss of death. Are any of you under that curse too?

I hear it’s normal for babies to cut one on the bottom then one on the top then another on the bottom but Jillian has decided that cutting teeth the normal way and being within the chart for height are just not for her so she does things a little differently. Like cutting her first three teeth all in a row on the bottom. Now it looks like she is working on a row of three on the top. One has just barely popped through and I can already see the next two just under her gums. Greaaaaaaat.

I use Hyland’s teething tabs and Oragel if things get really ugly. Sometimes a pickle just to keep her whiny mouth busy and gnawing. Any advice for other teething remedies? Jillian is apparently to cool for teething rings or frozen washcloths.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Mall Rats

Sorry for the lack of posting yesterday and the day before too I think. Yesterday I was so busy. BFF Stube and I spent FIVE HOURS at the mall. Five. It’s not even like we have a good mall here either, like the Mall of America, we have a normal run of the mill mall. We do however have a children’s area in one of the wings* where they have a cushy floor and things for kids to crawl on and around. Jillian and BFF Stube’s daughter played for almost the entire time we were there while BFF Stube and I judged people. It was fun for everyone. We had lunch there and we probably could have had dinner there too and Jordan came before work to watch Jillian play.

There were a few time where some other kids almost knocked Jillian down but thankfully they just missed her. Lucky for them anyway because I would have pushed them down if they would have. It’s weird when you become a mother and all of a sudden you have the animal instinct to protect your young. Like a bear. Jillian really likes pushing BFF Stube’s umbrella stroller around and today some brat tried to take it away from her. Once BFF Stube told her to back off (but in a nice way because she’s nice. I’m not) she ran off but later sat in it. Maybe she thought my baby has superhuman strength or something and could push her 8 year old ass around but she was wrong. The girl is just sitting in there while Jillian is like “Get the eff out kid! I can’t push you!!” while I’m telling BFF Stube that the girl has a few more seconds to pop off before I help her out or yell to her mom to watch her kid. Like WTF do these people really think they can just sit on their iphones and play with apps or do whatever it is you do with an iphone and not watch your kid? Another kid almost kicked Jillian in the face and her grandmother (or insanely old mom) was right next to them. She got a good dose of stank eye while I grabbed Jillian and saved her from a black eye.

In the middle of our mall we have a jumping contraption. It’s like a slingshot type unit and kids seem to like it. Not BFF Stube’s kid though. She’s afraid to jump. One time I convinced her that she could do it and we got her all psyched up to do it and then once she was in the gates she was crying and begging to leave. Whoops. She likes to watch other kids jump though and I like to watch the jumping contraption operator. We call him my “boyfriend”. He looks a lot like Jordan. I will take a picture of him on Monday and I will do a side-by-side.

Are you a mall rat? Or the more pressing question, do you have a "boyfriend"?

*You’re thinking wings?? What? It cannot be that crappy of a mall if it has multiple wings! And I would have to tell you that whoever designed this mall is stupid and likes excersize and instead of having a regular mall this mall is like an “X” shape so you have to walk all over the damn place and you are SOL if you forget something or park on the wrong side.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Costume Contest

Last Halloween Jillian was around a month old and it was freaking hard to find a teeny tiny costume. Not that they don’t exist but every time I found a costume that I liked it was either 0-6 month and she would have been eaten by it or 0-3 month was sold out. Apparently everyone had teeny tiny babies like me and oddly, had the exact same cat obsession.

Here she is, only mildly being eaten by the 0-3 month costume.

But once she was in her car seat you couldn’t even tell what the frick she was. With the nuk and sleepy, beady eyes she could pass as a pig…with a tumor on its left leg. In the stroller? Forgetaboutit. In fact, a few people asked what the hell she was dressed as. Between the tray, the straps and Jillian just kind of laying there and not making cat noises, I would probably have been confused too.

This year, we’re going to make sure that when people set eyes on my kid, they are going to be damn sure of what she is. I saw a stroller cover on Pinterest but it was an umbrella stroller cover that looked like cheese and the baby was a mouse. Cue lightbulb. Child + grey costume squished and deformed by stroller = ???? BUT Child = grey costume squished and deformed by stroller + related stroller cover = Mouse in cheese! Duh, that baby is a mouse!

So in order to also have a “Duh, that baby is a ________” moment we too needed a stroller cover of awesomeness. Even though Jillian is walking her preferred method of motion is still crawling and we need a stroller and if in two weeks time she is all “I’m going to walk everywhere. I’m not going to crawl motherfucker!” then too friggen’ bad because I already made the stroller cover and your costume is not conducive to walking anyway. Or crawling for that matter. Anyone have a guess what she’s going to be?

Anyway, I bought a buttload of felt (the stuff on the bolt, not the tiny 9x12 sheets for like 29 cents) and just started measuring and cutting and then sewing. I thought felt was the best way to go since it’s hecka cheap and felt seems a lot less intimidating to me than regular fabric. Like tulle or something. I mean, it’s felt for christ’s sake and children use it and having about the same crafting abilities as a child, it was the obvious choice.

Now I don’t know about you but I’m no good at the sewing business, (hell I hand sewed because I can’t figure out the sewing machine I have and let’s be honest, it’s a little scary) but I managed to make a pretty good and well fitted cover for the background. After that was done it was time to transform my blue cover into the ocean backdrop I needed for my little mermaid. I made fish and a turtle, some starfish and what I thought was an octopus but later remembered that octopi have 8 legs and not 5 so I decided if anyone got technical on me it was a squid. Problems there too. Squid have 6 legs so I still don’t know what the fuck it is but it lives in the ocean, okay?!

I started on the mermaid top but it turned out looking like a bow and not a bikini-ish mermaid top even after I hot glued it to the plain shirt I got. Yes, hot glue. Sewing is hard. Even though I’m too scurred to use a sewing machine, in my head this costume was going to be so cool and look just like the pictures I found of mermaids on the internets. It didn’t. Since the fabric for the mermaid tail is shiny and slippery and was $8/yd in addition to the interfacing that was $12/yard that I needed to make it stiff so it will hold its shape instead of just laying there. After the mishap with the bra piece, I wasn’t about to mess up $20 bucks worth of fabric. So I’m going to have our family friend help me out and make it look legit. Once everything is done and the cover is on and Jillian is mermaided and in the stroller I will definitely share photos and of course, our many costume contest trophies.

What are you or your kids dressing up as? Do you have two kids and a husband and you’re going to go as pieces of a sandwich??

Monday, October 17, 2011


We had a long weekend man. Long. Friday we all went over to my Dad’s. My Dad really wanted us to come over to make Jordan help him work on a car… Jordan really wanted to go over so my Dad could provide dinner. They both won.

Jillian won too, she got to play with my StepMom and the cat that lives at my Dad’s. She loves cats, maybe more than me. Then again, maybe not.

Saturday we went to Jordan’s cousin’s wedding. Jillian was so behaved for the ceremony, unlike some little brat who was at least 3 years old who cried through the couple’s vows. Fucking rude, right? If I were the bride I would have just stopped and stared at the kid… and his parents. We sat in the last row so that if Jillian started in with her “angry arms” and screaming we could leave like normal embarrassed parents.

Jillian opted out of a nap between the ceremony and reception. Probably not the best choice, she was kind of a crab ass during dinner. Nothing a little poor parenting and some chocolate couldn’t fix. But I can tell you that chocolate cannot fix this kid’s ability to make you feel uncomfortable. Way to lay on the floor and be weird…and serious. This is why we have no friends besides BFF Stube.

Despite having stayed up late on Friday AND Saturday night Jillian still insisted on getting up at 7:35 a.m. Whhhhhhhhhhy? It wasn’t all bad, for the first time in her entire life, Jillian took a nap on me. She’s never done it before and so when she cuddled up to me and fell asleep I nearly shit myself. Thankfully I didn’t this time because then I would have had to move her and then the napping on me would have been O.V.E.R. Wish Jordan would have taken a picture but we couldn’t have been bothered to document the occasion, he was too busy not picking up the squirrel that the dog killed and then decided to roll in/on. He went to finally pick it up and it was gone. My guess is that she dragged it somewhere in the pricker bush because the dog reeked to high hell and was covered in burrs. This would be the most reasonable explanation but Jordan still insists a large bird found it and took it. I bet it took it to the pricker bush.

Sunday night I took Jillian over to FIL and SMIL’s house. I didn’t really want to go when they invited me since Jordan would already be working so I would have to go alone but they bribed me with food. There was dinner AND pie. Okay, and pie to take home too. Oh and ice cream. And homemade applesauce. Don’t judge me. Okay, you can judge me a little, I just judged me.

How was your weekend? Pie filled like mine?

Also, are the comments not working? I have noticed that I haven’t really gotten any comments. If they are not working then I guess don’t comment and I will figure out how to fix it. If they do work, then for the love of Christ, throw me a bone.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Good Advice

If you haven’t already noticed I come from a family who is obviously short on appropriateness. I should rephrase, everyone in my family is inappropriate other than my Mom. (You’re welcome Mom, sorry everyone else).

My Dad is really inappropriate.

A few weeks ago Jordan was bitching to my Dad about how naggy I had been lately while I was in the house, probably ironing his socks. When my Dad and Jordan get together or get to talking, they like to act like they are the ones in charge and trade secrets on how to keep us women folk under control. I can totally see it, the two of them talking about the Packers or something and then Jordan checks over his shoulder to make sure I can’t hear him bitching about me and my Dad whispers to him advice. I guess my Dad’s advice this time was to, wait for it, “fuck the bitch out of” me. My Dad. Telling my husband to put me back in my place by fucking the bitch out of me.

(When you see these t-shirts and you think "Who buys these?" Here is your answer.)

You haven’t met my Dad so when Jordan is telling me this crap I can’t help but laugh because my Dad is the biggest vagina in the world. My Dad is an OTR (On-the-Road) truck driver and after he gets home after his 60ish hour weeks he takes care of the laundry, cleans, does the grocery shopping and the cooking. My StepMom works a few hours a week but other than that, my Dad does everything including provide her with an allowance. So you can see why my Dad thinking he has “fucked the bitch” out of anything is sort of a joke. If anything, StepMom has been fucking the bitch out of my Dad for years. YEARS.

Jordan and I have been threatening to fuck the bitch out of each other since my Dad said it. You won’t go get me a Diet Coke? Don’t make me come in there and fuck the bitch out of you! It’s fun, try it with your boyfriend or husband, it really spices things up.

So when I was telling StepMom about my Dad having said that she nearly choked. Turns out that SHE says that she is going to fuck the bitch out of my Dad. Not the other way around. Nice Dad. I bet my Dad got the bitch fucked out of him that night. In fact, thinking about it now, Jordan has been a little out of line lately, maybe I'll fuck the bitch out of him tonight.

On a completely unrelated note, I hope the person who searched for “crazy families” is satisfied with this post and also, check out my past blog topics. The Seagull Eater post is a good one to make you feel better about your family. But one search term had me concerned.

Obvs I can appreciate some potty mouthedness but “fucking beeg mature womens cunts” even makes me blush so I’m not exactly sure why searching for that on Google brings up my blog in the results. Even so, my thought is that if you are looking for…that, you didn’t exactly find what you were looking for when you clicked on my blog link. Sorry about that. : (


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