Friday, October 14, 2011

Good Advice

If you haven’t already noticed I come from a family who is obviously short on appropriateness. I should rephrase, everyone in my family is inappropriate other than my Mom. (You’re welcome Mom, sorry everyone else).

My Dad is really inappropriate.

A few weeks ago Jordan was bitching to my Dad about how naggy I had been lately while I was in the house, probably ironing his socks. When my Dad and Jordan get together or get to talking, they like to act like they are the ones in charge and trade secrets on how to keep us women folk under control. I can totally see it, the two of them talking about the Packers or something and then Jordan checks over his shoulder to make sure I can’t hear him bitching about me and my Dad whispers to him advice. I guess my Dad’s advice this time was to, wait for it, “fuck the bitch out of” me. My Dad. Telling my husband to put me back in my place by fucking the bitch out of me.

(When you see these t-shirts and you think "Who buys these?" Here is your answer.)

You haven’t met my Dad so when Jordan is telling me this crap I can’t help but laugh because my Dad is the biggest vagina in the world. My Dad is an OTR (On-the-Road) truck driver and after he gets home after his 60ish hour weeks he takes care of the laundry, cleans, does the grocery shopping and the cooking. My StepMom works a few hours a week but other than that, my Dad does everything including provide her with an allowance. So you can see why my Dad thinking he has “fucked the bitch” out of anything is sort of a joke. If anything, StepMom has been fucking the bitch out of my Dad for years. YEARS.

Jordan and I have been threatening to fuck the bitch out of each other since my Dad said it. You won’t go get me a Diet Coke? Don’t make me come in there and fuck the bitch out of you! It’s fun, try it with your boyfriend or husband, it really spices things up.

So when I was telling StepMom about my Dad having said that she nearly choked. Turns out that SHE says that she is going to fuck the bitch out of my Dad. Not the other way around. Nice Dad. I bet my Dad got the bitch fucked out of him that night. In fact, thinking about it now, Jordan has been a little out of line lately, maybe I'll fuck the bitch out of him tonight.

On a completely unrelated note, I hope the person who searched for “crazy families” is satisfied with this post and also, check out my past blog topics. The Seagull Eater post is a good one to make you feel better about your family. But one search term had me concerned.

Obvs I can appreciate some potty mouthedness but “fucking beeg mature womens cunts” even makes me blush so I’m not exactly sure why searching for that on Google brings up my blog in the results. Even so, my thought is that if you are looking for…that, you didn’t exactly find what you were looking for when you clicked on my blog link. Sorry about that. : (



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