Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Marry an Orphan

When you have a baby everyone will want to get their hands on him/her. Picture that nasty little freak from Lord of the Rings with his hunchback whispering “Precioussss”. At least that’s how my FIL and SMIL are. Seriously. It’s weird.

They want to watch her all time. And call her “Jillybug” while they do it. I hate that, there’s nothing cute about adding “bug” onto someone’s name and you don’t have to have your own stupid little nickname for her so you can act like you are in a secret club or something. Everyone calls her Jellybean or Jillian. Assholes.

They call every fucking weekend. They want us to come over for “waffles”. Let’s be real, you want to get your hands on our baby by bribing us with food, like animals. They want to come to our house and stay too long and bother me or they want to take her to their house so they can sit around and pretend that she’s their baby or something. I mean once and a while it’s nice to take a shower or look at Pinterest for an hour and a half but it’s not a favor when it takes you a god damn hour and a half to get here after you say you’re “on your way”. And I don’t even know why I bother asking to have her back at such and such a time because they are always late. “Oh, your baby has a schedule or has to spend time with you, oh well motherfucker!”

SMIL is obsessed with her and not in a sweet grandparent way either. My Mom pointed out that it’s not even like SMIL raised Jordan or even liked him while he was living with them. She made everything so uncomfy while he lived there. One time she and FIL accused Jordan and I of making a crack in their kitchen ceiling from rocking the bed since J's bedroom was above it. No joke. I would make him come to my house almost every day when we were first dating and still living at home. The point of dealing with all the bullshit of being a parent is so that one day you get a reward. Grandchildren. You don’t get the effing reward if you don’t put in the time.

I bet you’re like “Pssshh, that’s nothing. That’s what grandparents do, they annoy you”. I would tell you to listen to this shit. Every Christmas Eve Jordan and I have to make the rounds with our families. We went to my Dad’s first because his family are holiday hogs and end up keeping us for hours and hours. Like prisoners. So anyway we had only been with my family for maybe two hours when FIL and DoucheBrad started blowing up J’s phone wanting to know when we were coming over. This is the rude kind of shit that they do, totally unaware that other people exist in the world besides them. For piss sake we hadn’t even opened gifts yet and of course Jordan’s got DoucheBrad’s penis in his butt so he’s rushing me and reminding me that his family is waiting.

When we get to FIL/SMIL’s house Jillian is plucked from my arms and paraded around. General annoyedness ensues. When it comes time to open gifts, SMIL is holding Jillian and I tell her to hand her over. SMIL pouts and asks if she can hold her for gift opening. OH HELL NO, I’m her fucking Mom, I pushed her out of my ugly and I will be holding her for her first Christmas Eve. When they pull this kind of crap, I think it’s a joke. Like I’m literally tilting my head to the side with wide eyes thinking that someone is going to say “Psych!!!”. It doesn’t happen.

The pouting and inappropriateness doesn’t stop there. They even do it in front of our families. No shame. At her first birthday J and I sat next to her highchair for the cake smash, you know, because we’re her Mom and Dad. Anytime she eats anything she offers Jordan or I whatever food she’s eating and her cake was no different. It’s cute when you’re her parents. Not so cute when you are the grandparents and you are telling Jillian to “Let Grandma have some”. You look like a fucking baby snatcher. Not even kidding, FIL and SMIL each took turns asking Jillian to share while the other one took a picture. A few people commented on how off it looked.

So glad I have this memento of YOU forcing my baby to feed you too on her birthday. But god forbid anyone else gets to spend time with her. When they invite us over every weekend, it comes to a surprise to them that once in a while we’re hanging out with my family or just want to spend some time as a family. How fucking dare we? A few times my Step Mom posted pictures of her and my Dad with Jillian on her Facebook and SMIL had commented to me about the photos and how they got to spend the day with her instead of us coming to their house. What the hell does she think I’m going to do? Forbid her from spending time with her BIOLOGICAL GRANDFATHER and the woman who has been a third parent to me? Apparently.

My next husband is going to be an orphan. Trust.


Amanda said...

OMG.. my mom did the same thing at Gavin's first bday. I was like you weirdo get away you are ruining all the pictures and video. And Gavin's other grandparents are baby snatchers. Always asking to keep him an extra night (I let him spend the weekend, 2 nights and they still want more) or bring him home late, it drives me crazy!!! Sorry, had to vent.


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