Mommy Friends

Making Mommy friends is tough. It’s like trying to make friends in high school but worse because you’re way more desperate for friends once you have a kid or two. There’s this Mom I see at Walmart with her 9 month old once in a while. Every time I see her, I’m like waving like a fucking idiot and trying to keep from pissing myself from excitement like a Jack Russell. Embarrassing. Of course, she’s so laid back and probably like “There’s the effing nut that’s stalking me and her kid who just stares at mine. Weirdos”. I might not feel like such a twit if Jillian would at least act like she wants to be friends with her baby. Seriously, she sits in the cart and looks at Walmart Mom’s baby, who is always dancing and smiling at Jillian, like she’s fucking retarded. Snob. We saw Walmart Mom and Walmart baby once with Jordan and he asked me why I was “acting like that” after Walmart Mom steered her cart away. Probably to safety.
He can shut it, he ate soup laying down on his side…on the couch…while watching TV. And I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that if he caught one of the animals or ME laying while eating he would go on and on about what a lazy little fuck we were because who eats while laying down? Off topic? Sorry.

Luckily, BFF Stube has a daughter who’s almost three so we force her and Jillian to be friends. BFF Stube and I have seriously considered being sister wives or at least moving her and her daughter into our basement to live. We may or may not have also discussed getting bunkbeds….for ourselves, not the chil’run.



BFF Stube and I took the girls to the library last week and Jillian decided to crawl up to another baby and her parents, lay down on her side (No, she wasn’t eating though) and suck her thumb. For 6 minutes. Seriously??? She doesn’t even suck her thumb EVER and who does that? They left 3-4 minutes later. It’s like she wants people to think we’re weird fucks or that she’s handicapped. I guess I will just smother BFF Stube since she’s pretty much my only friend. She calls me her jealous boyfriend, but we both like the attention, so it’s okay.

BFF Stube and I did see a super helpful poster on how to encourage and support your child. It was mostly shit you would think the Brady mom would say to her kids like “You’re super!” or “Whiz!” but one stuck out. I TRUST YOU. Are you effing kidding me? I can totally see this poster maker sitting there behind his desk (you know a man came up with that shit too, so don’t deny it), thinking of things to say to a child for this poster and he’s like “Hmm, 1001 Things to Say to your Child would be much better that just 1000 Things…but what to add? I trust you. Yup, I trust you. That’s it. This poster is going to be dynamite now!” I cannot think of anytime where “I trust you” would be appropriate to say to Jillian and BFF Stube couldn’t think of anytime to tell it to her daughter either. Except…

I’m going to leave this pool cleaner out while I run downstairs to get the laundry but I’m not going to lock the gate BECAUSE I trust you. Or maybe I might leave my machete collection out while you parallel play near it because I trust you.