Thursday, July 8, 2010

Death Traps for my Country Baby

Our next door neighbor, Sweatpants, who is a little bit retarded (Don’t attack, he really is mentally handicapped) told me that I should "watch it" since there are wolves around here and they can smell milk on a baby’s breath up to two miles away. I’m pretty sure that that isn’t true, but I’m going to carry a BB gun when outside after she’s had milk anyway (since I don’t know how to use a real gun and they freak me out and I don’t think mace would help me a whole hell of a lot in that situation).

Like two weeks ago our other neighbor, Organic Food Pusher’s niece came down our dead end road looking for her pit bulls who broke their chains and were running loose somewhere. She assured us that if they were wagging their tails we were in the clear though and to call her and let her know they were at our house. Umm, what if they weren’t wagging their tails?! Then she invited herself over for a cookout at our house. It was awkward.

Organic Food Pusher wanted to make sure to that I was aware that there was a panther spotted near the former Deer Farm like 8 minutes from our house. A panther. In Wisconsin. She’s so pigheaded I usually don’t argue with her but I totally called her out on this one, trying to get her to admit that it was probably a cougar as cougars are more likely to inhabit this area. She told me that panthers lived in any land they wanted until man came and developed everything. What do I know? I guess I’m just damn stupid.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the milk smelling wolves are also actually domestic dog eaters too. A few miles away a dog got attacked by a pack of wolves. This one I know is true, I saw it on the news and heard it at the Town Mart. Actually I looked it up on the DNR website, so it’s true. They wouldn’t lie to me.

I don’t know how the hell I am even going to manage to keep this kid alive unless we never leave the house. You know, since the wolves would smell the milk on her breath and be over here in two shakes of a lamb…something. I can’t remember.

How do you keep your babies (if you have them) alive? And are your neighbors bat shit crazy like mine?

*J and I call him “Sweatpants” instead of his real name because he only wears sweatpants. In the two years we’ve lived here, I’ve never seen a pair of jeans or Dickies on the man. I didn’t even know they made sweatpants in some of the colors he has.

**You will DEFINITELY hear more about “Organic Food Pusher” in the future. She loves to make me feel like an asshole because I’m fat/pregnant and I don’t buy organic milk for $3.79 for a half gallon. A few days ago she brought over an article she printed off about how my baby is going to have ADD because of it.


Wayne & Brianna said...

This is HILARIOUS!! Glad to know I'm not the only one with psycho neighbors. Mine is OCD about his grass and trims it with scissors everyday, all joke, then leaves us threatening sticky notes on our door if a leaf falls from our tree into his yard.

Raquel said...

What a weird ass. Sticky notes?! I thought I had problems with Sweatpants and his family eating from our apple tree. You win.

Kelli said...

Our neighbor across the street dresses in long-sleeve coveralls and a Dawson's Creek-style bucket hat to mow his Texas...where it's over 100 degrees everyday. He pulls each weed by hand and also trims with scissors. He scowls at the weeds in our flower bed (I'm not taking my 5 week-old outside so I can pull weeds in this heat). But the best part is that he invited himself to our Halloween Party and creeped out all the women by obviously staring at their boobs all night.

Raquel said...

What the eff is with neighbors inviting themselves over? And what the hell was his costume? I bet it was good.

Austyn said...

This is too funny. BTW, I've heard people refer to cougars as panthers before.

Raquel said...

@Austyn- Dude, I would totally give her a break on this one but she insisted that this mystery animal was black.


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