Thursday, July 29, 2010

Not My Best Day

Yesterday did not go well. I fucking peed on myself trying to aim for god damn cup at the Dr’s office. Who does that? Apparently I do. And to add insult to injury I gained 5 damn pounds in 3 weeks. I’m no math whiz but I don’t think I can blame that on the baby’s weight gain. I was totally shocked but apparently my super sensitive husband saw it coming since “he could hear me gaining weight”. He is no longer eligible for sex.

Oh and I’m fairly certain I have been blessed with a hemorrhoid but I’m too damn scared to look. The situation which may have left me with a second head was horrible enough I didn’t want to even to see what was going on back there. Here I am, all “I’m so lucky, I haven’t gotten any hemies!” and now, well, you know.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to yank my little nugget (Jillian, not the hemorrhoid) out myself. I was planning on breaking up with my Dr today since my choice hospital said he wouldn’t go there but I convinced him to since I’ve gotten used to his potato head and all. Then the Jordanator thought of a good question but decided not to ask because he’s shy or some shit so now I don’t know what the eff is going to happen if Dr. Potato Head is in an appointment at his clinic 25 minutes away or the other hospital he normally works with 15 minutes away. What if he goes on vacation or falls into a coma? Then I’m assigned some other Dr to poke around my Brittany? Things are not looking good for me, or my Brittany’s previously small fan club.

I totally thought I was on top of this shit and now I don’t even think I know what the hell I’m doing. I seriously thought about sucker punching a child who cheesed me off today. I don’t think Jillian’s “going home” outfit from the hospital (where Dr. PH may or may not deliver her) is appropriate. I don’t know how I will know if she’s cold since apparently babies don’t wear socks and the extra-layer-than-you rule of thumb confuses me. Like, do I put her in a long sleeve onesie and a cardigan? Should she wear jeans? Are jeans even appropriate for a 3 month old? I’m afraid to bathe her since I’m pretty sure she’ll be all slippery and then drown in that stupid whale tub. Now I’ve got myself all worked up and I think I’ve ticked off my hemorrhoid.
Do all Moms-to-be go through this?


Alecia said...

This is an epic novel so beware. My little one is 1 month old so all this stuff is really fresh and recent in my mind.

1. Since it's hot out... I dress her in the same layer of clothes that I'm wearing. Then I always have a receiving blanket nearby as an extra layer if she seems cold or just for comfort. Her feet and hands always feel cold (poor circulation which is normal in newborns) so I do put socks on her and she likes them enough. ps the socks that look like little shoes are adorable.

2. They do make jeans in small sizes but right now they seem like a pain. Also I've found that pants are a little tricky since cloth diapers are bulkier than disposables so the pants don't fit as well. I'm thinking flexible materials for when it gets cold enough that she needs pants. Leg warmers are good too.

3. Does your tub come with those newborn sponges? I used that before her umbilical cord fell out and we just could only give her wash cloth bathes. Didn't bother putting water in the tub but just turned on the sink faucets and wet the wash clothes directly from there. Then I moved to the inclined thing which was tricky and she moves around a lot but she didn't fall out or anything. Pouring the water on her scared the crap out of her though... not a good first experience but we're working on it.

Hugs! You're gonna be a great mom. I figure people have been having babies for thousands of years and they turned out ok so I should be able to do this too. :)

Oph said...

I'm sorry to hear about the hemorrhoid! It doesn't sound pleasant at all. I think that all first time moms worry about the same things. That was a good question about your Dr. FSIL had a lady doc but it was her day off so she got stuck with a weirdo doc from the same office. If you do end up with a different doc (though plead with PH and make him promise to be there) make sure he/she knows your wishes. My FSIL didn't get to have the baby put directly on her chest or a mirror. I totally don't mean to scare you! You're going to be an absolutely fantastic mum! All this worrying is natural :)
*You can remind me I said this when my turn comes lol

Kelli said...

Hemorrhoids are one of those pregnancy things people never tell you about, but are one of the most uncomfortable things you can experience during that time. Don't let Jordan watch you give birth unless you want him to see a small hemorrhoid turn into a HUGE ring of hemorrhoids. I'm serious - I'm surprised my hubs ever wants to have sex again after seeing that.

Don't worry about not knowing things. I still have no clue and Aiden is 8 weeks old today. You just learn stuff as you go and as long as Jillian is fed and loved and happy, you really can't mess her up too badly. You'll do great!

JC said...

OK - did you get one of those JJ Cole Bundle Me things (or some other similar brand)? They make them for winter in a great sheep-skin like material AND they make them in a light material. Perfect for fall and spring/summer (if it isn't 100 degrees and humid). Definitely get one. They are like a sleeping bag and the back stays on the baby carrier and the top zips on/off or folds down and they are AWESOME. Life saving in the winter and H loves his for spring and cold summer days.

And ... I didn't have my doctor for delivery. At first I was nervous because I was all like "I want my Dr. No one else. No other Dr no Midwife" and that night my water broke my Dr was not on call and the nurses were AMAZING and the midwife delivered H because she was there and I would have had to wait 2 more minutes to start pushing before the on-call Dr got there. It was a great experience. If I made it through so will you! Seriously. When it is time, you will let anyone deliver your precious girl because you JUST.WANT.HER.OUT!!! :)

Raquel said...

@Alecia- I love you. Thank you. I also heard about baby bubble ass and have decided that Jillian will wear her corn soaking disposables on those days. I did not accidentally spend $12 on a USED pair of Guess baby jeans for her to not wear them. I think I’m going to get that sponge thing for babies and use that with the stupid whale tub. Hubs offered to let me squirt baby shampoo/wash in his eye to make sure it doesn’t hurt since I was worried about getting soap in her eyes too.

@Oph- It isn’t pleasant. I tried to get a look at it but I don’t see anything but somethings going on back there. I’m okay if Dr. PH isn’t there I will be the most difficult laboring woman EVER so whoever pulls this little lady out of me is going to listen to my demands. And like them too. I will definitely talk you down from the edge when you get procreation porked.

@Kelli- That thing about the hemorrhoid thing was the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me. On the flip side, is that all you have to do to keep men off your back about giving it up? GENIUS.

@JC- OMG, I don’t even know who JJ Cole is. So it’s like a carseat cover? Good to know that I won’t care who is getting her out. I’m pretty bossy so as long as I can get someone who is easy to push around, I think I’ll be golden.

JC said...

Definitely ... I totally thought I would be crazy and I was weirdly relaxed ... though I was a bit of an animal. Full disclosure here ... the gown was really pissing me off when I was pushing. I had a real easy labor - don't hate - only one hour. No time for meds or chit chat ... pretty sweet - but still enough time to be ticked off by the damn gown. I took it off. They were like, "um, then you will be totally naked!" I look at my husband and he said, "she wants it off" and it was off. so ... I was totally naked - but I mean, does it matter??? it wasn't like the gown was covering they creep show taking place!? I am off topic. YOU WILL NOT CARE. OK, maybe you will but you can't control it so don't get upset about it!! :) I have no idea who JJ Cole is either but someone gave me it for the baby shower (the ONE gift I didn't register for actually liked).

I used my BRU 20% off coupon to get the lite one for the spring. They are always on sale. I see them on Craigslist all of the time. You could have mine but we are maybe planning #2 soon so I will need it.

JC said...

I also agree with Kelli. You will do great! It is completely instinctive and you will know when she is going to sneeze seconds before she does and you will know the difference between her "hungry" cry and her "diaper needs changing" cry. And when she smiles when you walk into the room (or when you see her do this for your husband) all of the not knowing is so worth it!!!

Raquel said...

@JC- I'm going the OMG Mom route using giving birth and the horrible robe as an excuse to get a waffle robe. I am so going to Craigslist the JJ Cole thing this week.

If I don't know and my Mommy instincts don't kick in I want this family in our neighboring town to adopt her. They have a fucking camel. That's right a camel in WI. And a zebra, a wallaby, 2 mini horses, donkeys, lambs, goats, llamas. You name it, they have one. She will love her new family.

JC said...

Wow - maybe they can adopt H too!

Mama Bub said...

Listen, I've had two babies and in a combined 18 months of doctor appointments, I NEVER mastered peeing in a cup. I would pee all over myself all the time.

The rest is totally normal mom worries. You'll figure it out, I promise. I would call the doctor to find out what their on-call doctor policy is if your doctor isn't available, just to put your mind at ease. It's pretty common, at least in the women I know, to have someone other than your doctor deliver because babies are so unpredictable.


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