Imma Be Real With You

There are all kinds of pregnancy symptoms they don’t tell you about or fudge a little so that you will do the nasty and have babies and keep the Earth going. Don’t listen to those skanks in “What to Expect” they probably haven’t even had babies and instead of being real with you they just say you will have flatulence and not that it’s so bad you could probably clear a football stadium. Bitches.

You’re friends won’t tell you the god awful truth either because they want you to have babies and talk about diapers and shit too so they don’t feel so lame. I’ll tell you, but know that I still want you all to have babies too..like now. Then we can betroth our babies to each other.

Vaginal Discharge- Oh this is the mother of all the pregnancy symptoms and it changes during the pregnancy, or maybe that’s just me. Maybe MY vagina is like a jack of all stains. Sometimes its like you poofed out a god damn dime of KY Jelly and then you swear you just made pudding…from your Brittany. It’s horrible and uncomfortable…and perpetually wet.

“Morning” sickness- It does not discriminate and it will happen other times than the morning. And if you’re lucky, you’ll puke. I bet you’re like, lucky? Hold the phone, what? It’s true, you would much rather just puke and get it over with than feeling like you’re going to puke ALL DAY. “Morning” sickness will also inconvenience you in public too when you’re heaved over and holding back chunks all while people are staring at you and at that point, you don’t even look pregnant so you feel extra stupid.

Cramping- This will happen in early pregnancy and it hurts in so many different ways its bull shit. I got diarrhea when I was cramping and I was like, “I know this feelng, I’ve felt it before” but I couldn’t place until... well you know. Nothing like playing “Guess Who?” with your bodily functions.

Mood Swings- Okay, however odd they are, it’s kind of fun. It’s like an out of body experience and since your husband and other people think you’re crazy (see Pregnancy Brain) and make fun of you, it’s pretty fucking hilarious after the fact. One time the Hubster was outside the window where I was just inside sitting on the couch trying to eat cereal. He kept calling my name but I figured if I ignored him he’d shut up eventually. He didn’t. And I turned around so fast, milk and cereal went flying and screamed “WHAT?!”. Then he laughed at me since this shit is hilarious to a non-preggo. Risky move, but it usually works in his favor.

Pregnancy Brain- This is no joke and it makes you feel like a total dumbass. You will forget important things like the last time you had sex with your husband when he’s trying to get you to “Give it up” and little things like what you were on your way to the kitchen for. And even when you are right or remember, no one will believe you since you’re the crazy pregnant lady.

Gas- And it’s bad. Like rotten egg salad and deviled eggs and it burns your asshole a little bit coming out. And you can’t control when it comes. One time I had Egg Ass in the shower and I nearly passed out from the smell since it was all hot and steamy and small area…perfect breeding ground for farts. It will also happen to you in public, but it’s kind of funny to just push out a grade-A stanker in the bread aisle. Try it, you’ll like it.

Sex Drive Changes- You will either find your husband irresistible or not want to touch him with a 20 ft pole. His sex drive won’t change and that’s a real bitch for the latter. Like me. And if you’re in my boat, Pregnancy Brain will prevent you from warding him off since you can’t think of the last time you let him use you like a blow up doll. Then once you’re really pregnant, you’re limited to the kind of positions you can pull off and the most convenient one makes you feel like maybe you shouldn’t be having a baby if you still “do it” in this position. You know what I’m talking about!

Don’t let any of this scare you off though. There are plenty of cool things about pregnancy though too. Like eating whatever you want and having people be extra nice to you. Then there’s the first time (and every time after) that you feel your baby kick and none of the other bull really matters. Or when you see him or her on an ultrasound and you fall in love with a baby you haven’t even met yet. See? It’s not all bad…mostly, but not all.