Babies are Expensive.

They tell you that and you think “Psssht, duh, like over the course of 18 years”. I thought that and after last week and this weekend’s baby shit buying extravaganza, I understand what they mean.

I thought I was going to be saving all this money by cloth diapering, then I had to buy diaper pail liners. They’re $15-30 a pop. And I need two because one doesn’t really make sense. That’s a lot of jack just to hold shit. Luckily, the cheap bastard in me was able to figure that nylon laundry bags are essentially the same thing if you plan on dry pailin’ it. Take off the baby association and save! I got two for $9. Turns out babies are like weddings, it’s the label that kills you.

Oh, did you know that babies need special laundry detergent? They do, and it too is going to make you go broke. At first, I was using All Free and Clear since it’s essentially the same thing as Dreft but once I got on my “I’m going to cloth diaper” kick I read that you have to use even specialer laundry detergent and it costs significantly more and I can only buy it online so I have to take it in the ass on shipping too. Damnit.

My cat hoarding cost me $27 dollars. I had to buy a crib tent to keep their too friendly asses out of my pricey crib and off of the bedding set that cost as much as a car payment. And I even bought the damn tent off of Craigslist to save money.

I also got sucked into that baby timer, Itzbeen since I forget shit as it is and I can only imagine how I will function with a newborn. It’s an alarm that apparently goes off when it’s time to change your baby, feed your baby or tell you how long your little nugget has been down for the count. That set me back $20. Bastards.

It also turns out that cloth diapers can very easily turn into an obsession. I bought 6 smalls and 6 mediums for $100. Not bad for diapers that will be useful up to 28 lbs. That’s like 6 months or something if she’s born a giant. Other than the diapers themselves, I’m buying $40 worth of reusable cloth liners to use with the gDiapers. Let’s not forget the diaper pail for all those cloth diapers that set me back another $14 and I may or may not have invested around $20 to dye some of the diapers different colors. At least with all the effin’ shit that comes along with cloth (no pun intended, okay maybe it was, a little) I’m still saving in that department.

I haven’t even mentioned all the other crap I have stock piled. Like Earth’s Best diapers (the corn soaker uppers) or the Little Lamb Swing ($150) that I had to have because a lamb is a farm animal and we have a farm nursery. I even managed to avoid some of the things I think are useless crap traps set by the Baby Industry to try to save money, like wipe warmers and bouncer seats in addition to your swing. They tricked me though with no show socks, my FIL informs me that babies just kick them off. Great.

And having a baby makes you spend money on crazy, crazy shit you would laugh at if you weren’t growing a human being. Like baby leggings and outfits that babies probably get very irritated by and shoes that they can wear for a few seconds before you have to take them off in fear of ruining their feet. Guilty as charged.

It’s really not that bad though, when you have a baby (especially the first one) people love to buy you shit. And you’re golden if you’re carrying the first grandchild and/or the first great grandchild. Or even the first baby in a while. Either way, women especially are just waiting for someone they know to get knocked up so they can stop perusing through the baby aisles at the department stores and go crazy because Carter’s is having a 20% off sale. At least, this has been my experience.

So don't let crib tents or fancy schmancy detergent get you down. Just think of all the money you'll save when you can't go out to eat or to a movie because now you've got the added cost of a babysitter or you just don't want to leave your baby with someone who's probably not even qualified to watch any children, let alone yours. Guess which boat I'm in? Either way I am damn excited to be almost done gestating this kid, then I'll never piss and moan about being bored or that there's nothing on TV. I'm just super pumped to have a new friend.

So if any of you are on the fence about getting porked for more than just pleasure, do it. Or if you have successfully procreated, what expensive baby shit do you have?