Makin' Baby Food

So I don’t know how I managed to not go on and on about how I’m going to make baby food. Oh yeah, pregnancy brain. So it’s a good thing you ladies are on top of shit and reminded me after the How to Save Money on Your Expensive Baby post.

What I am about to tell you may make you hate me, but please don’t. I have this.

So, I look like a total hypocrite because I own a little machine that cost $149.99 to make baby food for like 6 months. But in my defense, I also didn’t already own a blender, a steamer or that basket thingy that you can use to steam and if we’re being really honest, I’m just lazy as fuck. And I just wanted it, ok?

I actually got a HUGE Kenmore Food Processor for my second baby shower and I came home and cried about it. Like an infant. I was being a piss pants because it was gigantic and I keep the Pizza Pizazz, Toaster Oven and Waffle Maker in my bathroom cabinet because I just don’t have the room for everything in the kitchen. It also didn’t help that I was obsessed with this damn little machine because it’s so easy and all-in-one and a camel can make baby food with this thing. I mean, I haven’t figured out what flash freezing is yet and I didn’t want to make this baby food making adventure harder than it had to be because I know I would have just given up and spent money on expensive Earth’s Best jarred food. And then I would have to move in with one of you because that shit adds up. So I returned it and bought the Babycook instead.

Here’s why I had to have the Babycook:
1. I don’t know how to cook. Or puree (those Dole Frozen Smoothie packs put me to shame) and I don’t know how to steam either. Did I mention it defrosts and heats? The Babycook does all this shit in one machine. I just press some buttons and poof! Homemade baby food. I like this.
2. It’s BPA Free.
3. I don’t like doing the dishes. When I first convinced everyone I need this machine I had no dishwasher. I know right, who lives like that? So washing pots and pans and crap as often as I would have to did not appeal to me. Lazy, remember? However, 6 days ago we figured out that our dishwasher wasn’t broken and that Jordan forgot to turn on the power to it so we have a dishwasher now but it’s THE SMALLEST DISHWASHER IN THE HISTORY OF MAN. I can fit 3 plates and a fork in it. So I’m thinking that the Beaba is still the clear choice.

I also received the book, “Super Baby Food” (Second edition) by Ruth Yaron and it’s basically an Idiot’s Guide to making baby food and has recipes so you don’t poison your kid if you don’t know the difference between ingredients or that generally, food companies don’t make products in other languages to confuse you. It’s been super helpful in clearing up a ton of questions I had about when to start solid feeding and what is appropriate at what age and other stuff I’m too embarrassed or don’t know who to ask.

My plan is to use the Beaba Multiportions thing and some glorified ice cube trays to freeze and then transfer the frozen cubes to plastic bags with labels and dates. Love labels and dates. I also read that you should wrap them individually in Saran Wrap or that Glad Press and Seal stuff so they don’t stick together or get freezer burned. I’m just going to do this since I just do what I’m told.

I also read somewhere that babies who are forced to eat what you’re eating are less likely to be picky. So before I add seasonings and crap I’ll just blend a baby version of our meal so Jillian won’t know she has a choice. Choices are not a good thing for children in my experience. Like my whiny ass husband who tells people he’s allergic to onions, celery and tomatoes because he doesn’t like them. He was given a choice. I do not want to deal with this shit with our children too. You didn’t think that I just don’t use the food he’s “allergic” to, did you? Ha. It delights me to watch him eat food with very finely chopped onions in it. It’s just a little win for me on the days I feel like sucker punching him.

There’s a small hiccup in this crazy plan of mine. Jillian is due in September. The most inconvenient time ever for her Wisconsin Momma as far as homemade baby food making goes. All the good fruit and vegetables are out of season. Fudge. I’m going to try to make it to the Farmer’s Market a few times before they pack up for the Winter and learn to freeze crap so I can use it during the effing snow season. Obvs there are some things that shouldn’t be messed with so I’ll just supplement those foods with Earth’s Best jarred baby food.

I have about 8 months to wait before I can even see how things are going to go. Here’s to hoping it’s a breeze. In the meantime, tell me all about your baby food making adventures if you do it or plan to. You know, even if you don’t make your own, tell me what you feed your baby when they eat real food. I don’t know because I’m a lame Momma.

How to Save Money Buying Crap for Your Expensive Baby

Obviously I am one cheap SOB. I switched to cloth diapers to save money, not the environment. (Sorry environment, your “green” products are just too damn expensive) and I have bought my kidlet TWO outfits that were not used. I will do ANYTHING to save a dime. So in order to keep my expensive baby clothed, diapered, feed and all the other damn things babies need to do, I got creative. Here’s my list of ways to save your hard earned cash. Unless “The Client List” was based on YOUR life, then you can probably just skip this post.

CRAIGSLIST- I love the Craigslist and I highly recommend it. I look for anything and everything on Craigslist. I typically search for large items, like the changing table we nabbed for $25, in our area. If you don’t know, there is also a website called Craiglook and it’s AMAZING. You can search for specific things within a certain distance or all over the country. My favorite part? The price point search. That way when I’m looking to score a Moby for cheap, I can make sure I get the very best deal. Try it, you’ll like it.

RESALE- I have also loved resale and thrift stores. It was only a matter of time before the hunt for home décor evolved into baby crap. My favorite store in the history of used baby crap stores is Once Upon A Child (and if you are somehow affiliated with OUAC, I am not opposed to compensation in the form of gift cards, just sayin’). They are the shit. They have EVERYTHING but the best part is the racks and racks of baby clothes organized by gender, size and season. Love that. And they typically only take the fancy brands like Gap, Janie and Jack, Gymboree, Children’s Place, etc so you’re baby can be stylin’ (even if it is last season, babies don’t care) and you can save a butt ton. I was just there and they had a red slash sale where any item was a $1. You can’t even get a McChicken for that. The only thing that can take the sting of brand spankin’ new hemorrhoid is getting a Gap romper for $1. They also have rewards programs like the Stamp Card, you spend $200 bones there and they’ll shave off 15% on the next visit. This summer they also featured the coupon to beat all coupons, $10 off $50 and $5 off of $25. You’re probably like “Shut up bitch, that’s nothin’” but they don’t expire. Yeah.

GOODWILL/RUMMAGE SALES- I love rummage sales too, people unload their shit for CHEAP and then you can even haggle with them to get a better price. I don’t really like to do that, but J has been known to haggle a $50 weed eater down to $30. And when that day comes that there are no more neon signs in the grass and the banquet tables have been put away, you can always hit up your local Goodwill. It’s a year round rummage sale. They have a decent selection of clothes but you have to really dig and check for stains and size mismarks so I don’t usually piss around there anymore. You can find other random crap for the baby there though, like nursery décor. A little spray paint and you’re in business. Next time you’re there just think of the magical powers of spray paint and you’ll be buyin’ shit up like it’s nobody’s business.

HAND ME DOWNS- Now I don’t know much about this since J and I are the first ones to start makin’ babies but I hear you can really bank in this department. Especially if your friends or family are through with babies and don’t like money.

BABY SHOWERS- Okay, this one is pretty obvs but whatever. I need to mention it since sometimes people think it’s rude to include where you are registered on the shower invitation. Then you end up with a whole bunch of clothes and none of this shit you really need. And to really burn your asshole, you have to piss around returning crap and getting the lowest sale price since Aunt K didn’t give you a gift receipt…and the clothes look suspiciously used. This happens.

COUPONS- I fucking love coupons. More than my husband. I am so the lady who holds you up in the line searching wildly for that 20% off one item at Babies R Us coupon she’s sure she has. Please don’t hate me, at least I don’t do it at the grocery store. There are a few ways to nab yourself some “coups”, you can sign up for shit like Babies R Us’ rewards program and they’ll send you coupons and if you spend a certain amount of money they send you like $5.00 to use with no minimum purchase. I know Gymboree has some Gymbucks thing, but I don’t buy their stuff from them, so I don’t really know. Sorry. If you’re shopping online because you couldn’t find it on Craigslist/Craiglook you should always use the Google Shopping tab and ALWAYS sort by price. Once you can make sure you haven’t had anything inserted in any of your holes (some retailers like to do that) you should do a Google search for any coupons the store might have floatin’ around. I did this shit when I was trying to save my cheap Dad on a breast pump I made him buy me to a) embarrass him for dipping out on buying the stroller instead and I saved him $20 and got free shipping. In turn, he bought the baby more crap. WIN.

SWAGBUCKS- I literally just found out about this and I'm totally convinced that it is the shit. It's a search engine that gives you points for using it instead of another search engines. Wait for it....then you can use the points toward FREE SHIT. Like $5.00 Amazon giftcards and other prizes and other giftcards. I didn't really look into the prizes because I was so impressed with the Amazon gift cards. Dude, Amazon has EVERYTHING. I mean, I love you Google but when was the last time you gave me free shit?

What ways do you save money?

I Got to Know You and I Love You All

@Karla-LOVE your naming skills! Hubs wants a bulldog in the worst way too. Is Gideon single? I’m looking to set up Jillian or the Cougster.

@The Smith Family- Umm, love Mason’s room. I know I told you that via the comments but I wanted to tell you again since it should be on Cribs.

@Non Sequitur Chica- I hope you get pregnant tomorrow (if you’re ovulating) and since you recommended “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” which I have on my dresser, I’m actually going to open it and read. If it’s not good, I’ll make you meet me IRL.

@Ashley- You won a giveaway?! So jealous. I can never win crap, not even at bingo. And I would appreciate if you and your husband stop being so cute, it makes me feel bad. Or you can just make cute babies and then we’ll be okay.

@Betsy- Hello, we are BFFs. What cloth diapers do you use? I want to sew too but the sewing machine scares me. You and Quinten have excellent decorating taste. Is he single?

@Mrs. H- Love either name. Baby naming is HARD. Your first movement story is the same as mine. So embarrassing, right?

@Maranda- I’m a total douche and did not make my dog raw food…yet. I feel like we are house soul sisters since we both have popcorn ceilings and your man is handy and fixes your house too. I also need to go camping with you since J is a puss and won’t go.

@Brandi- Holla on the poop scoopin’ boogie! Do you have to pick up garbage too after the animals dig in it for something to eat? LOVE doing that after coming home after a bitch day. And two words, vaginal discharge. …adopt.

@Bukaus- Holy Crap, this Sunday?! Exciting!

@Amanda- Love the blog name! And you’re effing amazing for raising your boy on your own. And please take me to the mothership of consignment shopping. I bet you cook like Paula Deen too. Can we please be friends IRL? I love you.

@AZPartyMamma- I want “Uncle” from the Circus party to be my second husband. And I am sooooo coming to you for help because I want to make this happen for Jillian’s first birthday but with a petting zoo too. I hope I end up being a cool mom like you.

@Bam- You love tubing down rivers too? Love it! Your freckles make me want to eyebrow pencil them on to my own face so I can be just as adorable. Please make babies. My Mom makes strawberry pie like you but she’s not clever and has never put in rhubarb. I’m going to make her to it when she gets back from Alaska.

@Oph- Love weddings, can I come? Love RI houses, can I move in? Love you being a SAHM, have babies soon?

@Aubrey Rose- I can never show the Hubster the “baby” photos of your dogs. In fact, I’m a little disappointed that I looked myself. I need one now. And P.S. you can send me some blueberries. I will love you forever.

@Kaite- Did you twitter that you gave someone a massage on your day off? Red head POWER!

@Expressions Paperie- Go Midwest! Totally don’t judge you for not cloth diapering, I’m just one cheap SOB. Tell your Hubs that the Dr advised you to wait 4 more weeks.

@cbarwife- I hope you get pregnant soon too because there should be a baby out there that is the result of you and your husband breeding. And your cat IS huge and I love it.

@Amy- Yay for another Wisconsinite! Let’s go to the bar and a comedy when I’m not fat/pregnant!

@Sara Lyn- I’m going to go ahead and need you to post your birth story. I also am going to need to give you a dowry for Jillian since your son is beyond cute. Just let me know where to send the goat.

@Kelli- I can totally identify with your Jonas Brothers concert dilemma and it being so close to your due date. Except not with the Jonas Brothers….the County Fair. I think that officially makes me a redneck. I also love that you like all the same TV shows as me, especially Food Network ones. Now I don’t feel like such a Fattie McFaterson. You loved the Grey’s shout just now, right?

@Betsy- I’m going to adopt Maci. No one in my family or J’s family know that I blog but if they got nosy I’m sure they could find it. And I would LOVE it. Then they would probably get mad and I wouldn’t have to talk to them anymore.

@Blane181- I would totally eat the pizza you made, even if it was oddly shaped. I started watching Bethenny Getting Married? because of you and let me just say that I owe you one. Love it.

@Miranda- Know you! You are a Teen Mom chatter! I’m going to move to GA so I can save a ton of money since apparently the cost of living is so cheap! And maybe I’ll get myself an accent.

@JC- You myst love spending time with your own kid instead of other people’s stinky arse kids. Dude, I am going to email you when I have BF/Pumping questions.

@Nell- Law School? If someone were to get into any legal trouble from shit talking, would you be willing to dispense free legal advice? I know a girl who does that. I will punch someone if they’re mean to me or my friends on my blog.

@Alyssa- Love the name Charlie! I soooo wanted to name Jillian that whether she was a boy or a girl but the Hubs was not having it. I also love ear wax, but Jordan won’t let me get his. Can I help you pick Charlie’s ear wax if Jillian isn’t packin’ anything good?

@Brandy- So jealous you have an orange one. How are you not dying not knowing the baby’s sex? Dude, let’s convince our husbands to buy a huge plot of land and we can each build a house on it and a mini barn that we can have tons of animals on and teach our babies about where food comes from and stuff. And then they can get married or be best friends.

@Kelly L- I’m lazy too. And that was a tall order. Sorry. But I wanted to let you know that I vote for Cream Puff. I have a feeling my house looks a lot like your parents’, please don’t hate me. I can’t help myself.

@Kelly L- I can find Iowa on a map! I agree with you about Special K. They are bastards. I will also be attending the Iowa State Fair next year, so as not to miss the unbeatable “Food on a Stick” spread. I also want to thank you for the glorious new deep frying ideas. I love you, let’s be friends IRL.

@Stephanie Rose- I definitely think you should get cable. I feel horrible that you cannot shit talk with us on Tuesday nights. And I also do not support your not changing the ass wipe roll. The Hubster does that sneaky shit where he will leave ONE SQUARE on the roll, so I have to change it. And P.S. We should so do a Grey’s Chat when it returns. You game?

@Sarah- You are a baby factory! I don’t think Hubster will knock me up soon after I “pop out his kid” since I’m a crazy pregnant person. You must be mother effing Teresa as a preggo. Please tell me how you do this.

Free gDiaper

Remember when I told you I'm as crazy as "Teen Mom" Farrah's Mom because I'm going to try my hand at cloth diapering? Okay, I sold or returned every. last. disposable. in the house so I kind of have to succeed but anyway...

If YOU are interested in being a hippie with me, you can enter a giveaway here for a FREE gDiaper. Or you could enter and give it to me.

I love free shit and one of these days all this twatting and commenting and friending is going to pay off and I'm finally going to win. I don't even care if it's adult diapers, I will use them. Then I don't have to leave the couch during the TV show I'm watching or any Lifetime Movie. Like "The Client List", did you see it?!

Not My Best Day

Yesterday did not go well. I fucking peed on myself trying to aim for god damn cup at the Dr’s office. Who does that? Apparently I do. And to add insult to injury I gained 5 damn pounds in 3 weeks. I’m no math whiz but I don’t think I can blame that on the baby’s weight gain. I was totally shocked but apparently my super sensitive husband saw it coming since “he could hear me gaining weight”. He is no longer eligible for sex.

Oh and I’m fairly certain I have been blessed with a hemorrhoid but I’m too damn scared to look. The situation which may have left me with a second head was horrible enough I didn’t want to even to see what was going on back there. Here I am, all “I’m so lucky, I haven’t gotten any hemies!” and now, well, you know.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to yank my little nugget (Jillian, not the hemorrhoid) out myself. I was planning on breaking up with my Dr today since my choice hospital said he wouldn’t go there but I convinced him to since I’ve gotten used to his potato head and all. Then the Jordanator thought of a good question but decided not to ask because he’s shy or some shit so now I don’t know what the eff is going to happen if Dr. Potato Head is in an appointment at his clinic 25 minutes away or the other hospital he normally works with 15 minutes away. What if he goes on vacation or falls into a coma? Then I’m assigned some other Dr to poke around my Brittany? Things are not looking good for me, or my Brittany’s previously small fan club.

I totally thought I was on top of this shit and now I don’t even think I know what the hell I’m doing. I seriously thought about sucker punching a child who cheesed me off today. I don’t think Jillian’s “going home” outfit from the hospital (where Dr. PH may or may not deliver her) is appropriate. I don’t know how I will know if she’s cold since apparently babies don’t wear socks and the extra-layer-than-you rule of thumb confuses me. Like, do I put her in a long sleeve onesie and a cardigan? Should she wear jeans? Are jeans even appropriate for a 3 month old? I’m afraid to bathe her since I’m pretty sure she’ll be all slippery and then drown in that stupid whale tub. Now I’ve got myself all worked up and I think I’ve ticked off my hemorrhoid.
Do all Moms-to-be go through this?

Everyone's Doin' It.

Jordo (BB Season 11 love anyone?) and I have a super busy day tomorrow in the city where the population is over 500 and they have more than one gas station.

So it’s the all the rage to host a Get To Know You post which is exactly what were going to do today. Some of you I know pretty well and we’re even so in sync we name our kids the same name but I don’t know a whole lot about my other BFFs. So if you’re a “blurker” (I’m so up on my internet lingo) do me a solid and comment.

Ooooh, and here’s an effing homerun of a writing prompt….Write an “About the Author” like on the backs of books. Dynamite, that idea. BAM. Oh and if you have a blog, leave the link so I can stalk you.

This is Your Brain. On Pregnancy Hormones.

Do you know what day it is today? Teen Mom Chat day. Just thought I would let you know since we love each other and people who love each other make sure that they don’t miss TV shows.

Yesterday during my afternoon nap (after Bridge with the girls and eating myself sick on hard candy while watching The Golden Girls) I didn’t get much sleep. Oh well, I’ll take a little third trimester sleepiness over hemorrhoids and stretch marks. Anyway, I probably didn’t get any sleep because I was busy worrying myself sick about my latest baby dilemma. Here it is, straight from my head…

“Should I move Jillian’s real crib in our room or the travel crib/bassinet. And if I do move the full size in, where am I going to put it? I don’t want it by the window, there’s a draft. Maybe I can convince the Hubster to move the furniture around. Who am I kidding? The Hubster won’t move the furniture around. What the hell am I going to do? Maybe I will keep the full size in the nursery and just use the monitor. But I don’t want the baby that far away from me! And won’t I be tired and lazy in the middle of the night? I know, I’ll leave the full size in there and I should just move the bassinet in our room. But how will I keep the cats from smothering her? Damnit, why am I worried about this when I don’t know whether or not I should have a changing table? Where will it go, can’t I just change her on the dryer so I’m close to the laundry? No, I hate the laundry room and what if the dryer’s on? And where the hell am I going to get all the cloth diapering supplies ready? I need a changing table because of the cloth diapers since I can no longer change her on the bed or floor or ottoman because the dog will probably eat the poop while I’m trying to get the next diaper on her. The dog loves to eat poop. Especially cat poop, does she like the different textures? Crunchy then soft? I wonder when the last time Hubster cleaned the litter box was. I better get up so I can ask him.”

Sometimes when my mind is consumed by shit like this I get a minute to think like a real person and can’t believe that these thoughts keep me awake at night (or during the afternoon). Thankfully I was able to come to a solution before I got up. Bassinet in our room, changing table in the nursery. You’re relieved aren’t you? Me too.

Does your brain work like mine too? Like an ADD squirrel. Or at least how I think an ADD squirrel would think, if they thought about baby stuff.

Babies are Expensive.

They tell you that and you think “Psssht, duh, like over the course of 18 years”. I thought that and after last week and this weekend’s baby shit buying extravaganza, I understand what they mean.

I thought I was going to be saving all this money by cloth diapering, then I had to buy diaper pail liners. They’re $15-30 a pop. And I need two because one doesn’t really make sense. That’s a lot of jack just to hold shit. Luckily, the cheap bastard in me was able to figure that nylon laundry bags are essentially the same thing if you plan on dry pailin’ it. Take off the baby association and save! I got two for $9. Turns out babies are like weddings, it’s the label that kills you.

Oh, did you know that babies need special laundry detergent? They do, and it too is going to make you go broke. At first, I was using All Free and Clear since it’s essentially the same thing as Dreft but once I got on my “I’m going to cloth diaper” kick I read that you have to use even specialer laundry detergent and it costs significantly more and I can only buy it online so I have to take it in the ass on shipping too. Damnit.

My cat hoarding cost me $27 dollars. I had to buy a crib tent to keep their too friendly asses out of my pricey crib and off of the bedding set that cost as much as a car payment. And I even bought the damn tent off of Craigslist to save money.

I also got sucked into that baby timer, Itzbeen since I forget shit as it is and I can only imagine how I will function with a newborn. It’s an alarm that apparently goes off when it’s time to change your baby, feed your baby or tell you how long your little nugget has been down for the count. That set me back $20. Bastards.

It also turns out that cloth diapers can very easily turn into an obsession. I bought 6 smalls and 6 mediums for $100. Not bad for diapers that will be useful up to 28 lbs. That’s like 6 months or something if she’s born a giant. Other than the diapers themselves, I’m buying $40 worth of reusable cloth liners to use with the gDiapers. Let’s not forget the diaper pail for all those cloth diapers that set me back another $14 and I may or may not have invested around $20 to dye some of the diapers different colors. At least with all the effin’ shit that comes along with cloth (no pun intended, okay maybe it was, a little) I’m still saving in that department.

I haven’t even mentioned all the other crap I have stock piled. Like Earth’s Best diapers (the corn soaker uppers) or the Little Lamb Swing ($150) that I had to have because a lamb is a farm animal and we have a farm nursery. I even managed to avoid some of the things I think are useless crap traps set by the Baby Industry to try to save money, like wipe warmers and bouncer seats in addition to your swing. They tricked me though with no show socks, my FIL informs me that babies just kick them off. Great.

And having a baby makes you spend money on crazy, crazy shit you would laugh at if you weren’t growing a human being. Like baby leggings and outfits that babies probably get very irritated by and shoes that they can wear for a few seconds before you have to take them off in fear of ruining their feet. Guilty as charged.

It’s really not that bad though, when you have a baby (especially the first one) people love to buy you shit. And you’re golden if you’re carrying the first grandchild and/or the first great grandchild. Or even the first baby in a while. Either way, women especially are just waiting for someone they know to get knocked up so they can stop perusing through the baby aisles at the department stores and go crazy because Carter’s is having a 20% off sale. At least, this has been my experience.

So don't let crib tents or fancy schmancy detergent get you down. Just think of all the money you'll save when you can't go out to eat or to a movie because now you've got the added cost of a babysitter or you just don't want to leave your baby with someone who's probably not even qualified to watch any children, let alone yours. Guess which boat I'm in? Either way I am damn excited to be almost done gestating this kid, then I'll never piss and moan about being bored or that there's nothing on TV. I'm just super pumped to have a new friend.

So if any of you are on the fence about getting porked for more than just pleasure, do it. Or if you have successfully procreated, what expensive baby shit do you have?

Rich People Food

I made the Shrimp and Feta Mac and Cheese from Annie’s Eats and I used my panko means "plain" in Italian panko breadcrumbs. I didn’t buy the real pankos afterall, screw buying more food I will use for one recipe. I’m not going to lie to myself…I did that with fresh parsley, dill and rosemary thinking I would continue to make real food and they went bad. Well I think it did, I don’t really know but I wasn’t going to take a chance.

Let me tell you it was one stinky motherfucker. Like rotten feet, just horrible. Why does fancy food always have to be so effing weird sometimes, like snails and gruyere cheese. I mean, Doritos and Hamburger Helper smell and look DIVINE and it doesn’t take you 3 pots and pans, a sink full of dishes and an hour to make. Oh here’s another brief Cougar story that really demonstrates just how uncultured and cheap I am.

While on Spring Break before the roofies, the Cougster, J and I were all talking about dinner and what we should have. Cougster wanted good seafood since we were in Florida and all and I told her how that was a great idea, because I had seen Fish Tacos on the menu at one of the eateries. That’s when I got a mental bitch slap when she said, “Raquel, I meant lobster.” I am one classy gal, here I’m thinking I’m splurging on god damn fish tacos and she’s thinking about ordering a lobster that cost as much as my cable bill. But back to the food.

The smelly sauce was not good, at least to my peasant palette. It was just too rich almost (the taste, not from a cost perspective) for me and ultimately I couldn’t get past the stench. It was like a shower pregnancy fart. The shrimp was really good, but they were ruined by the sauce. Stupid fancy food.

So if you’re fancy like the Cougar, you can try the Shrimp and Feta Mac and Cheese from Annie Eats and if you’re like me, grab a box of tuna helper and add shrimp instead of tuna.

Our Hospital Tour

My Babydaddy and I had our hospital tour a few nights ago and it was like being held down and spoon fed lard. It wasn’t anything like I imagined it would be. Apparently it was really an opportunity for them to waste paper pushing ads and sign-ups for formula, medical equipment and makeup (?) on us. I thought I would be able to grill the hospital staff about whether or not there will be someone to tell the Hubster’s family to shove off when they were trying to hoard my kid. P.S. they will. Umm, sold.

Oh and you’ll never guess who was there. Sunshine Ass and her husband, Stank Eye. She had FBed me a few months ago asking if I was going to go to this particular event since they offered it in June and July but at the time I didn’t even have a bump yet so there was no way I was going to look like an idiot in front of all those real preggos in June. So I signed us up for the July event. I know she went to the June event so why she was there again, I don’t know. Probably to stalk me and cheese me off. Bitch. The good news is she’s a GIANT, like she grew 2 ft up (over her husband) and is puffy x1000. Pregnancy does not agree with her. Serves her right from pregnancy shaming me.

We were divided up into 4 groups and as luck would have it, SA and I were in the same group. Fuck. For the most part I ran whenever she got close enough to try to be friends with me. It was super convenient when during the birthing suite tour I almost. passed. out. My face got so red the guide pointed it out to the rest of the group and all of a sudden I was sweating like a pig over a fire. It was horrible. I tried to die of embarrassment but it wasn’t one of my best laid plans, being in a hospital and all.

Spring Break '09: Failure to Fly

I thought that the vacation from hell was over when we’d made it to the airport but the Cougster had other plans for me.

Everything went pretty smoothly after we got the Cougar’s 2 HUGE suitcases (for 5 days) into the baggage check…until we got to Atlanta. Our connection to Chicago was delayed, which is not a biggie. Well, it’s not really a biggie if you’re NOT traveling with your man-child husband and his Chardonnay fiend Mom. If you ever find yourself in this situation, just run. I should have done that, but I’m an idiot.

J and I dropped the Cougster off at the in-airport bar and grabbed a Cinnabon and headed back to keep an eye on my MIL. After someone in your group gets roofied, you make sure to keep a close eye on the wild ones. Everyone in the bar was getting pretty pissed off and pissed up because we had been stranded for like 4 or 5 hours with no explanation. Over at the gate people were getting pissed since things weren’t looking good so we let the Cougster investigate the situation there. Bad idea. Horrible. And I wasn’t even drinking.

When she finally came back she told us all about how she gave the gate attendant a piece of her 6 glass mind. The people in the bar thought she was pretty entertaining, just like the gate people who, according to the Cougar, erupted into applause after her bitch fit. Of course. We found out from a random gate person that some “crazy lady” was harassing the gate attendants and was threatened to be kicked off the plane. Wanna take a guess as to who that “crazy lady” was?

Jordan was getting cheesed off about the delay and then about his mom being the “crazy lady” so she got a stern talkin’ to. Apparently it wasn’t stern enough because Crazy Cougar went back for Round II with the gate attendant when we took a smoke break. On our way back to the bar we watched her get carted off by two security guards since SHE WAS GETTING KICKED OFF THE PLANE! Jordan tried to reason with them and explain that we had traveled together and only had one car waiting in Chicago, the Cougs. I guess when the pilot himself kicks you off, you’ve lost your right to bargain. So they escorted her out of the terminals out into the area where you buy tickets and check in since she was no longer a customer. We tried to get her on another flight (because hell if I was giving up my seat) but she kept yelling to the ticket salespeople about how that pilot was an ass and she shouldn’t have been kicked off in the first place. That didn’t help things. She kept slurring that her husband (at the time) would come pick her up…in Atlanta. J had finally had enough trying to reason with and help her so we ditched. I mean come on, I wasn’t going to sit through another night of this shit.

We finally got to board the plane and of course we were the very first row and there was an empty seat next to J and I in one otherwise full plane. At least the guy who dubbed the Cougar “crazy lady” apologized to us but after our day we were calling her the “crazy lady” too. No apology necessary.

You Have NO Excuse...Be Here Tuesdays

So if you missed last night's Teen Mom chat, you really missed out. It was epic. I have never felt so supported in my trash TV watching in my life and it's pretty amazeballs.

But there's good news! We had so much fun discussing we're going to do it EVERY WEEK. Don't judge us.

Spring Break '09

J and I took a vacation for Spring Break last year with my MIL, the one who likes younger men. We all went to Myrtle Beach, FL and it was the Worst. Vacation. Ever. Jordan got roofied. We stayed at a gorgeous spa and resort that was tucked away from all the Spring Break mayhem. Little did I know, we’d travel over to Myrtle Beach so we wouldn’t miss anything. Just in case you didn’t already guess, this was not a good choice.

Roofie day didn’t even start out okay...it was one shit storm after the next. Cougar MIL decided that we (including my red head, pasty, doesn’t tan ass) would sun bathe over at the Lani Kai. If you’re not from that area, it’s this sort of run down hotel with cheap rates and you guessed it, poor college kids lookin’ for a good time and ending up with an STD. This kind of place is apparently right up Cougar MIL’s alley.

Oh didn’t I mention that I wasn’t 21 yet and couldn’t drink? I mean, I would pull the ole bottle of rum from my purse and add it to my “virgin” cocktails but it was pretty clear from all the drinking Cougster and Hubster were doing that I should probably stay sober.

Our adventures at the Lani Kai started with the Cougar getting hit on by younger guys while my stretch mark free body lay next to hers. She got invited to a party that night too, at a 20 something’s house. My thought is that it’s Spring Break and some stranger invites you back to his house? That’s an episode of Dateline waiting to happen, but apparently, she was goin’. While I’m being told what a downer I am, Hubster is off at the bar…gettin’ roofied.

Cougster decides beach volleyball is her next move and of course, my 40 something ass in a 20 year old’s body is being dragged to the court. It wasn’t all bad since I’m a pretty wicked v-ball player and the fact that my MIL was not. I will never forget her going in for a save and totally eating sand. It was hilarious and I almost pooped. But across the beach I see my own Spring Breaker lying on the beach in the downward facing dog position so the Cougar Pam-Anderson-circa-Baywatch’s it over to him. She says he’s fine. The next time I look over, he’s blowing chunks all over the beach. Of course I run over to see what the eff the problem is and he just keeps puking like one of the kids from Jersey Shore. Some security guard helps me get him up and I put him in the car and try to explain that play time is over to the Cougar. It did not go well but somehow we made it back to our five star resort where I try to get J out of the car but instead he dives into the sidewalk, ass crack out, and pukes some more. Did I mention that there was some sort of business workshop there and it was break? After literally screaming at the Cougar in front of the business people to go park the car, she finally does. Thankfully, I see our island cabbie, Kenny and he’s willing to help me get J up to our room…after this look.

So we manage to get J on a luggage cart and wheel him up the wheel chair ramp in front of a ton of people (when the fuck is break over?!). At least Kenny had the decency to throw a towel over my guy’s still showing crack, at that point, I didn’t care. Kenny didn’t want to face the even grander embarrassment of wheeling him through the lobby where society’s elite were gathering before heading to watch polo or eat cucumber sandwiches or some shit, so he bolted. The bell hop pushed Jordan back to our room after an uncomfy elevator ride but we ran into a problem since J’s head was hanging over the edge of the luggage cart. I told him just to try to push it anyway, he’d be fine but the kid took pity and told him to get into the fetal position and we got him into the room.

Now that we were back to the privacy of our room it was time to get his clothes off. This wasn’t as sexy as it sounds. He kept mumbling about some guy wanting to see him naked and why did I keep moving around so fast? Then he started crying…because I was being mean to him. After 10 minutes of convincing him that I wasn’t being mean he crawled in the shower and I bathed him. Once he was clean and had clothes that didn’t have his lunch on them, I got him into bed and tried to get the scoop. He said some fat man was in the bathroom asking him about his watch and his mom and I and then followed him back to the bar where my idiot husband pulls out one of the many hundreds he’s carrying to pay for his drinks. Stupid. He probably didn’t want to see him naked, I would venture to guess Fat Man wanted to see how the flat screen he could buy with all that money would look in his apartment.

You’re probably wondering where the Coug is, so was I. She came back over an hour later, after “parking the car” and asked how Jordan was, told me that I could order room service for the two of us and went down to the bar for dinner, leaving me to babysit. She thought about going to the party she got invited to, but only if he would come pick her up. While she tried to get ahold of Beach Guy I was busy feeding J dinner, like a toddler all while he talked about the most ridiculous shit I have ever heard in my life. Then he was out.

The best part? The next day when I wanted to go to the Fleamaster’s Fleamarket (Holla!), Jordan wanted to take a back exit since he was so embarrassed about what I told him about the previous day’s events. You better believe I made him walk through that damn lobby and face the music.

I won’t make you sit through this Cougster story, but before this disaster vacation was over she managed to get herself kicked off our return flight by the pilot himself. I’ll let you guess why.

Please tell me shit like this happens to you too.

Teen Mom Tonight!

Hello fellow Teen Mom addicts! It's been a long month and a half since I was creepin' and found out that there would be a Season 2 and I would finally answer life's most pressing questions... Will Macy finally leave that shit stain, Ryan? Is Amber really knocked up again? Will Catelynn and Tyler make it out of the trailer park? And why didn't Farrah's Mom beat her ass sooner?

I'll be here on the chat about 10 minutes before the show starts in case there are any problems with signing on and crap and we can continue to chat during commercial breaks...because, honestly, who wants to miss a second of this trainwreck? Not I.

CHAT IS CLOSED.

More Than Just a Baby Comes Out of There: Guest Post

This morning I interrupt your usually profane post to bring you my BFF, Mama D, who wanted you to benefit from her experience with childbirth and the bitch that comes after (not the baby…unless your Miley Cyrus’ mom) kind of like the horrible truths I told you about being fat/pregnant. So go read her blog now.

It dosen’t hurt either that her baby’s name is Jillian too and she actually has a baby and birth experience, unlike me. So she’s going to cover my ass until I can pop my Jillian out and give you the low down on the after effects of a (hopefully) vaginal childbirth and the spray bottles and burning sensations that come with.

P.S. Teen Mom is on tonight and we’re going to chat about it during commercial breaks HERE. Tell your friends.

Be Here or Be Queer

Just wanted to remind you all that tomorrow is the big day…the TEEN MOM PREMIER since some of you may not have this marked on your calendars like some losers do(me).

I’m really excited to be hosting the shit talking-tastic chat here too so don’t leave me hanging and faking typing to myself so J doesn’t think I’m a big twat because I’ve been telling him all about my internet friends and how we’re going to chat during commercial breaks.


10/9c on MTV…like you didn’t know.

Damn Hippies

***You are about to read a post that was written not to sound like an advertisement but after reading it over, it sounds a little bit like it. It actually sounds a little like an OFP conversation, but I’m not pushy or judgmental...well not with my friends anyway. And I don’t condemn those who use disposables, I would probably use them if I didn’t have so much time on my hands and nothing and crazy, probably-never-going-to-happen-shit -things to think about because I’m pregnant. So if you don’t care about cloth diapers or why I chose them, you don’t have to sit through my ramblings.***

I’m such a hippie. So on top of all the other “weird stuff” (Hubs calls it that) I plan on doing for our baby, like breastfeeding and making homemade baby food, I am going to cloth diaper. There I said it.

So I had been trying to gently introduce the idea of cloth diapering since we did the nasty and the stick said “Pregnant” and it did not receive a warm welcome. So I stocked up on Pampers, since J thinks that cloth diapering is gross and I should stop being “one of those crazy Moms”. Well this crazy Momma already bought some god damn cloth diapers and returned the Pampers. So there.

The night that I decided that I could probably pull of this cloth shit is the same night the Hubster made me feel like a total idiot about it. He’s mostly worried about what other people think about our (my) choices for our child, so he can suck it. Not a good enough reason. Then I lay in bed thinking about how much extra trouble I am going to put myself through and maybe I’ll just use disposables, I mean, I got the “Sensitive” kind. Then I realized that I was being a selfish asshole because I knew I didn’t want to diaper her in them but I was too lazy to cloth diaper.

It also kept me up adding up the cost of all the cloth diapers since I know I cannot do the old school with pins kind, which is a less costly option. I knew I would need an All in One (AIO) the easiest of the cloth diapering options. I found some on Etsy that were so cute, I almost died. But at $7 a pop, I would need at least 12 if I planned on doing laundry every day, but let’s get real, not going to happen. Then on top of that you need multiple sizes. That’s a lot of jack. So I got out of bed at 5 am and did some more research and found the gDiaper. It’s pretty bitchin’ (for a diaper), it’s a cover with a diaper liner that you throw a cloth liner in and poof, cloth diaper. Then you change the cloth liner and diaper liner if it’s dirty. The best part? You only need a handful of the covers and the diaper liners and cloth liners are pretty inexpensive so I bought a ton and won't have to do the laundry every day. I scored some on Craigslist for cheap. And let’s face it, cheap is right up my alley. Cheap and worrying about probably-never-going-to-happen crap is why I do “hippie” things.

Hubs did bring up some valid points among all that stupid. Like, what about when we travel (not like vacations, we travel to civilization) what are you going to do with all that shit? Touche. So I know I can pull of the gDiapers here at home but pushing my crazy on the people who want to watch her? Can’t do it, J made me feel too bad about it. So in addition to cloth we will be using Earth’s Best disposables when away from the compound, so I don’t look like a skid mark. They’re made with all natural products like corn, to soak up pee. Like the commercial for the corn cat litter where the lady eats it because it’s so natural.

Oh and if you’re rich ass can afford the fancy etsy ones with cool prints, this is the shop I bought one from before jumping on the gDiaper train. And this one has cute prints too. And if you’re interested in gDiapers, because you’re a little bit lazy like me too, check them out here.

What are you slappin’ on ass? Cloth or disposables? Or, what do you plan to use? Know any other "hippies" like me?

Mmmm...Delicious.

I like to cook/eat. Because, really, aren’t they the same?

I’m a long term grocery shopper too, meaning I like to go once and then be done for like, the rest of the month. So when J starts physically and mentally preparing himself for the marathon shopping event, I’m busy figuring out what the hell I’m going to make (besides Tuna Helper when I’m lazy or don’t feel like doing dishes) that month.

I’m effing bored with my cookbooks and I lost the cover to my crockpot so I found myself an awesome little blog about food/eating. It’s called Annie Eats and she makes me look like a culinary genius. So far I’ve made her:

Louisiana Chicken Pasta – ZOMG you people in the South don’t piss around. This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten and Hubs and I ate it all in one sitting because we’re total fatties and it was that good.

Lemon Chicken – I made this when we had company and I felt like Martha motherfucking Stewart when it came out of the oven all golden brown and crispy (just like the picture). Then I ruined it and had to ask if you eat the rosemary or just leave it alone. Well, at least I looked cool for a little while. Tortellini Primavera – This was good, but a little plain for me. But what do I know? But who the hell loves spinach that much that they use the recommended amount in the recipe? I halved it and still felt like it was EVERYWHERE and I had that shit all up in my teeth.

And Stuffed Shells – Maybe I fudged this recipe or I just don’t like stuffed shells because it wasn’t something that I was thinking about eating before I worked up enough strength to pull myself off the couch. I’m pretty sure it’s probably me, I don’t think I have a taste for ricotta.

I have most of the ingredients for the Shrimp and Feta Mac and Cheese but like I said, the dishes need to be done and I didn’t know friggen know what panko breadcrumbs were at the grocery store and they only had Plain or Italian so I got plain…because I figured that “panko” probably meant plain in Italian or some crap. Turns out, not the same thing. Yeah, I told you I don’t know shit about shit when it comes to cooking. So anyway, I will make it when I find some god damn panko breadcrumbs. God damnit. Like I didn’t feel like a total asshole anyway googling Gruyere cheese* for the same recipe so I wouldn’t look stupid like the last time I tried to make something fancy with Gouda cheese and didn’t know where it was in the grocery store or that the wax around it isn’t part of the cheese. I’m an idiot.

*P.S. there’s a whole “fancy schmancy cheese” section near the deli that usually has this kind of stuff. Believe me, it ain’t by the Kraft Shredded Cheddar so don’t ask the grocery store workers or you’ll look like a turdlette like me.

What are your favorite cooking blogs? Did you know that panko wasn’t Italian for “plain”?

New Items

Just added some new items to my Etsy shop.


A few people requested alternative colors so I've added a You Pick with 19 color/print options to choose from! Exciting, huh?

ETA: New items are also included in the 20% off sale too! Score.

I'd Like to Thank....

When this stuff happens, I feel so cool. It’s a nice change from my usual dull life. The one where I talk to my cats and get butter all over my belly because I accidentally dropped the doused-in-butter-cob-of-corn I was eating while reading blogs. Shameful, I know.

So when Ashley over at ABC: Life from the Start of the Alphabet, tagged me for an award I threw down the corn and decided to participate.

Favorite Color? Green, without a doubt. I have red hair and it’s the only color that agrees with me and my pasty skin tone.

Favorite Restaurant? Texas Roadhouse. I don’t even think their food is that good, but they have those cinnamon buns with honey butter and that’s reason enough for me. Well, serving sweet potatoes isn’t exactly working against them either, but they should serve them in fry form too. Love carbs.

Hobbies? I really like to cook but I don’t know shit about shit so it rarely turns out edible. I had to Google how to cook corn. Lame. I also love bingo and going to rummage sales or Goodwill. Don’t judge, Goodwill is like a year round rummage sale and I like old crap.

What does your room look like? It has furniture and an unmade bed because I had to get up early to meet the guy who was dropping off the damn lawn tractor. The Hubster is hoarding the camera, so no photos. Sorry.

If you could have dinner with two people, dead or alive, who would they be? My Papa (Grandpa for those who call them that) who passed away 5 years ago, he helped my Mom raise me and he was awesome. Even after the time when I was like 6 and locked him in the basement until my Grandma got home because I was a huge brat and wanted to look in all their “cupboards” without getting in trouble. Boy did that backfire on me. Of course, I would drag Jordan along so he could meet my Papa since they have the same sense of humor and they both love me, despite my bull.

What’s your next big splurge? Like I mentioned the other day, the Hubster and I are forkin’ over $40 for a flower hooded towel for the baby. That’s a lot for a damn towel. And we are cheap, cheap bastards.

What is your favorite joke, quote or saying? “That’s terrible” you know, from the Taco Bell commercial promoting the Big Bell NBA Value Box or whatever. Jordan says it in that voice ALL THE TIME, sometimes when it’s not even appropriate, like in front of my Grandma or bank tellers. But that just makes it all the more funny.

8 Things About Me Instead of 10 (Because even 8 were hard to think of)

I used to race in the Soap Box Derby. And I fully intend on making Jillian and any other Fisher babies do it too.

I don’t have any white walls in my house. It’s like a rainbow shat on my house.

I’m scared shitless that I will forget to teach Jillian something about life or that I will coddle her and she’ll be a nancy. It’s a scary thing, being a parent.

Mangoes are my favorite fruit but they’re a bitch to prepare so I rarely eat them.

I have a tattoo on my foot of a bird and I can’t remember what kind of damn bird it is. Embarrassing.

I love to fish and I can fillet one better than any man I know. Booyah!

Grammatical and spelling errors really chap my ass but sometime you have to break the rules when blogging to make any effing sense.

I do not have nice hair. It’s a poofy, frizzy helmet unless I straighten it. I wish I could be one of those girls who just lets it air dry and it looks good.

Okay, so now I’m supposed to tag some other people to get the award but I think you’re all pretty effing fabulous and I think you should all do it too!

Dear Staring Girl

Dear Girl at the Dr’s Office,

Don’t effing stare at me! Your droopy crack whore eyes make me want to vomit.

You’ve already made me uncomfortable by letting your boyfriend put his hand on your back and rubbing it in a slightly sexual way while waiting to check in for your prenatal appointment. I don’t need you to stare at me when I’m reading or talking to my husband and I most certainly do not need you to watch me like a hawk after you know I just had to pee in a cup and that’s embarrassing and uncomfy enough. You bitch.

If I see you at my next baby appointment I’m going to slap the purple, drug fiend look right off your face.

Love,
A fellow Preggo

Imma Be Real With You

There are all kinds of pregnancy symptoms they don’t tell you about or fudge a little so that you will do the nasty and have babies and keep the Earth going. Don’t listen to those skanks in “What to Expect” they probably haven’t even had babies and instead of being real with you they just say you will have flatulence and not that it’s so bad you could probably clear a football stadium. Bitches.

You’re friends won’t tell you the god awful truth either because they want you to have babies and talk about diapers and shit too so they don’t feel so lame. I’ll tell you, but know that I still want you all to have babies too..like now. Then we can betroth our babies to each other.

Vaginal Discharge- Oh this is the mother of all the pregnancy symptoms and it changes during the pregnancy, or maybe that’s just me. Maybe MY vagina is like a jack of all stains. Sometimes its like you poofed out a god damn dime of KY Jelly and then you swear you just made pudding…from your Brittany. It’s horrible and uncomfortable…and perpetually wet.

“Morning” sickness- It does not discriminate and it will happen other times than the morning. And if you’re lucky, you’ll puke. I bet you’re like, lucky? Hold the phone, what? It’s true, you would much rather just puke and get it over with than feeling like you’re going to puke ALL DAY. “Morning” sickness will also inconvenience you in public too when you’re heaved over and holding back chunks all while people are staring at you and at that point, you don’t even look pregnant so you feel extra stupid.

Cramping- This will happen in early pregnancy and it hurts in so many different ways its bull shit. I got diarrhea when I was cramping and I was like, “I know this feelng, I’ve felt it before” but I couldn’t place until... well you know. Nothing like playing “Guess Who?” with your bodily functions.

Mood Swings- Okay, however odd they are, it’s kind of fun. It’s like an out of body experience and since your husband and other people think you’re crazy (see Pregnancy Brain) and make fun of you, it’s pretty fucking hilarious after the fact. One time the Hubster was outside the window where I was just inside sitting on the couch trying to eat cereal. He kept calling my name but I figured if I ignored him he’d shut up eventually. He didn’t. And I turned around so fast, milk and cereal went flying and screamed “WHAT?!”. Then he laughed at me since this shit is hilarious to a non-preggo. Risky move, but it usually works in his favor.

Pregnancy Brain- This is no joke and it makes you feel like a total dumbass. You will forget important things like the last time you had sex with your husband when he’s trying to get you to “Give it up” and little things like what you were on your way to the kitchen for. And even when you are right or remember, no one will believe you since you’re the crazy pregnant lady.

Gas- And it’s bad. Like rotten egg salad and deviled eggs and it burns your asshole a little bit coming out. And you can’t control when it comes. One time I had Egg Ass in the shower and I nearly passed out from the smell since it was all hot and steamy and small area…perfect breeding ground for farts. It will also happen to you in public, but it’s kind of funny to just push out a grade-A stanker in the bread aisle. Try it, you’ll like it.

Sex Drive Changes- You will either find your husband irresistible or not want to touch him with a 20 ft pole. His sex drive won’t change and that’s a real bitch for the latter. Like me. And if you’re in my boat, Pregnancy Brain will prevent you from warding him off since you can’t think of the last time you let him use you like a blow up doll. Then once you’re really pregnant, you’re limited to the kind of positions you can pull off and the most convenient one makes you feel like maybe you shouldn’t be having a baby if you still “do it” in this position. You know what I’m talking about!

Don’t let any of this scare you off though. There are plenty of cool things about pregnancy though too. Like eating whatever you want and having people be extra nice to you. Then there’s the first time (and every time after) that you feel your baby kick and none of the other bull really matters. Or when you see him or her on an ultrasound and you fall in love with a baby you haven’t even met yet. See? It’s not all bad…mostly, but not all.

Give and Take

So the Hubster found a new toy to buy since our 80's Allis Chalmers lawn mower bit the dust.

If this lawn mower looks a lot like a mini tractor, that's probably because it is. And J looks like a giant on the thing because it's really only like 3 ft tall. The best part? It's going to cost a lot of money so that means I have some new found leverage.

I've thought very carefully about what I'm going to cash it in on and I've decided...

I am going to do this. Except I won't be smoking and I don't use orange daubers since they're boring. I like the neon ones instead.

I'm definately going to make Jordan buy (and monogram) one of these hooded towels for Jillian since I want one so bad it hurts and I can't win one of their giveaways no matter how many times I try.

And I'm entertaining the idea of this. Loving these glazed cabinets. It would cost peanuts too since I would only have to buy glaze and rubbed bronze spray paint. But it's a DIY project and

I'm lazy and even though that lawn tractor is damn expensive, even this task might be pushing it since the Jordanator would have to help me.

If you're married or affianced or just have combined fianances with someone else, do you wait for the other one to buy something stupid so you can get something you want too? It's Jordan and my favorite thing ever!

Man-Children call after No Call 9

We (well mostly, I) have a no phone calls after 9 PM rule. That’s how I was raised and I think it’s rude to call when most couples/families are tucking in for the night…or rustling the sheets. Either way, I don’t want to be interrupted.

My BIL, Brad is a twat and thinks he is exempt from this rule. He thinks that calling J’s cell phone, no matter what time, is totally appropriate. My thought is that it still rings, it’s still breaking “No Call 9” and it’s usually charging right in our bedroom…and that I want to throat punch him.

My Brad and I have a unique relationship. I hate him and he tries to act like he doesn’t hate me and wants to hug and crap to look good in front of Jordan when he knows it will make me want to spoon his eyes out.

Anyway, Brad is a terrible influence on the Hubster. There’s a reason I call it “Brad Behavior” instead of bad behavior. Brad loves to drink…a lot and Brad likes to make sure other people drink too, whether they want to or not. Brad also loves to think he’s in charge, which also makes Jordan act like he’s in charge. Jordan is not in charge. We don’t have the time or Blogger capacity to discuss all of the reasons why I hate Brad, but I’m sure you get the point.

Last night Brad decided to call us at 11:48 PM. That’s after 9, in case you were wondering.

The Hubster’s younger brother (Brother #3) is currently in the hospital getting a bone marrow transplant and he’ll do well but then something will go wrong. When someone is calling at 11:48 (since it’s past 9) I think something bad has happened with B3. That’s not a good feeling. Thankfully B3 is just fine. Turns out Brad was calling to find out why his Mommy is mad at him. I can’t even make this shit up.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Brad is 25 and married? He is.

Since Jordan is so close to his brother, Brad and his wife were the first ones to know that I was pregnant. Brad is the oldest and apparently that means that he and his wife should get to be the first to do things. Get married, buy a house, have a baby. Boy, did it burn their assholes that they were not going to be having the first grandchild/great grandchild. Brad and his wife still piss and moan to family members about how they should have been the first ones and no one will be excited for their baby. What a loving, supportive brother, huh? I figure, if you still think like that, you’re probably not ready for a baby but whatever.

So, Brad’s Mommy is mad at him because he’s been douching the family a lot lately and lying about it since his wife doesn’t like us. I may have let it slip to my MIL that Brad and his wife are no longer on birth control even though (according to them both) they still don’t know if they want to have a baby. No one thinks this is a good idea. Obvs. Even Brad’s grandmother who basically raised him told me that they shouldn’t have a baby and then threw in that Brad’s wife has “fat ovaries” anyway. This was only a few months ago when she told us that Fat Ovaries was really “packin’ em on”. Love his grandma.

I hope you don’t have family members like this, let alone brothers or sisters but if you do, we can talk some mad shit about them together. That always makes me feel better.

Teen Mom Chat

Since it’s pretty clear that we all love “Teen Mom” I thought of a totally bitchin’ idea. Blog Chat.

The night of the premier I could enable a chat so we can talk about Amber’s new pregnancy scare and Catelynn’s outfits, I bet they’ll be good this season. I am aware that I am a total ass face for even thinking of this kind of shit, but admit it, it sounds awesome.

What do you think?

Organic Food Pusher, the Hypocrite

I know you’re just dying to hear more about this gal after the Wisconsin panther argument. I don’t even go to get the mail when it comes anymore because that’s her favorite time to corner me and beat me into organic submission.

She wasn’t always bat shit crazy either, so I don’t know what the eff her problem is. We went over to her house for dinner a few months after we moved in. When we first bought the house we ripped EVERYTHING up/out/off and restarted from the studs so J and I lived out of ONE room with our pets at the time, 2 dogs and 3 cats. Most of the subfloor had to be replaced in the kitchen so we had a fridge, our room and a bathroom with cold showers and that’s it. We lived off of Lunchables and unbearable 10 minute showers for like 5 months.

Anyway, Organic Food Pusher had been over before because she was nosy and J is friendly so she knew we didn’t have that impressive of accommodations or food selection and invited us over for dinner. We had homemade Macaroni and cheese with hotdogs and Coca-Cola. None of which is organic. See, OFP wasn’t always an organic food pusher. Nope, she was slingin’ back Cokes and munchin’ on Cheetos like the rest of us.

OFP decided to jump on the organic bandwagon fairly recently… for her health. She’s 70 something. And a smoker. It’s always quite the treat when she spews out facts about all the chemicals in processed food and pesticide on fruit and then lights up a cig. Damn hypocrite.

My Husband, the Cock Block

I have been whining about wanting to go on a tube down the river adventure forever. Okay, it’s more like 2 weeks but that’s a very long time when you get fatter/more pregnant by the day. Finally my MIL called and told us we should go so I squeezed into last year’s bikini and prayed that I wouldn’t pull a Tara Reid. At this point, a tankini or a swim dress isn’t going to hide anything anyway, so I figured what the hell.

I’m fairly certain the teenage gawkers thought I was sporting more of a beer belly than a baby bump but two older women assured me I looked great. Even though this “adventure” was more of a “get in this tube and float down this river at 7-9 mph adventure” I felt pretty damn stupid being 7 ½ months fat/pregnant with all the college kids who were there to get trashed. Then I saw another preggo and figured I was probably okay.

The best part of the day? When my husband cock blocked his own Mother. It was H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. And there's a good chance I peed.

My MIL does not look like she has 5 kids let alone that she is about to become a grandmother. She’s only 41 but she looks way younger, kind of like Cameron Diaz but without the Ernie shaped head. Embarrassing as it is to admit, she gets hit on by 20-30 year old men more than I do…even when we’re together…and the Hubs is not with.

So back to J’s cock block, there were two guys who had just rolled out of bed (at 2 o’clock) and decided to go for a tube ride. I was sure they were no older than her oldest son but I guess they were 30 and looked and acted like they were 25 but that’s not the point. The point is she thought one was hot and wanted to make him J’s new step daddy. We finally floated to a huge in-the-water party where the “hotties” had stopped. There were blow up mattresses and floating coolers full of what I can only assume was Busch Light and wine coolers. It was only a few seconds before she demanded that I unhook her from J and I so she could join the party and do whatever 30 year old man children and 41 year old mothers of five do…on air mattresses after they have had a few drinks.

I’m no idiot, so I let the current take us on our merry way but Jordan jumped off his tube and started walking us both back to where my MIL was getting trying her groove back. I mean, for Christ’s sake, what did he really think he was going to do? Tell the “hotties” to leave “Grandma” alone or that her 4th divorce was just finalized a few weeks ago? My husband is an idiot sometimes so I told him that he was being a cock block and it wasn’t cool, even if it was your Mom. Then I spent the next 15 minutes what a cock block was. Apparently I’m “gross”.

I Love TV

I love TV.

And in NINE days, one of our favorite shows returns for its second season…..TEEN MOM.
ZOMG, so excited. I love that show in a totally inappropriate way. Don’t get me wrong, I can sit and watch the disaster that is 16 & Pregnant with the rest of them but Teen Mom is so much better since I don’t have to listen to that whiny, whisper-talking girl Whitney (You know exactly who I’m talking about too, don’t you?) or that little bitch Jenelle who is going to end up a potato chinned prostitute and try to sell her baby for drugs. Anyway, love the Teen Mom on MTV.

Maci* is my favorite because she’s the only one on the whole damn show that has her shit together and she has red hair like me. Her accent helps too. You have to give the girl credit for putting up with that ass face Ryan. Someone needs to donkey punch that kid.

Amber and Gary are such train wrecks but they have a super cute baby Leah, so that’s why they’re still on the show. Or maybe because at every reunion special she cries “Pregnancy” and then admits it might not be Gary’s baby...and then she hits him. And then does her hair like a Harijuko girl.

Catelynn and Tyler seemed like they were trying to avoid their trailer trash destiny by recognizing that baby Carly did not stand a chance in hell with them. But then they got engaged at like 17 and they smoke pot. And she wore a polyester/nylon homecoming dress probably from DEB to a “fancy” dinner and that really bothered me. A lot.

Farrah is so ridonkulous, I totally get why her Mom would hit her. Did you know that her baby daddy died? On the show they act like he’s just a lame dad and just bolted since Farrah’s such an idiot but he didn’t, he died. And there’s something not right about the fact that she’s pretty but her baby looks like one of those angry, black apes.

You watch Teen Mom too, right? And google the girls on the show because you’re a nosy, nosy turd?

*J and I almost named the baby Maci. We're disgusting and that’s how much we love her (and the show). Then I decided that Jillian was a way cooler name and she would never have to find out that we named her after a teenage mother that we saw on TV. Not exactly the best role model.

Etsy Sale

Just wanted to let my BFF’s know that I am having a sale in my Etsy shop. 20% OFF EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. No flyer to scratch. No coupon to try to remember. No signing up for other crap. You just get it. Poof, like that.

Oh and if you have a twitter, maybe you could tweet it? That would be fanfriggentastic and totally make my day. And I will love you forever. And invite you to Jillan's first birthday party, it's going to be FARM THEME! and we're going to have a petting zoo.

Death Traps for my Country Baby

Our next door neighbor, Sweatpants, who is a little bit retarded (Don’t attack, he really is mentally handicapped) told me that I should "watch it" since there are wolves around here and they can smell milk on a baby’s breath up to two miles away. I’m pretty sure that that isn’t true, but I’m going to carry a BB gun when outside after she’s had milk anyway (since I don’t know how to use a real gun and they freak me out and I don’t think mace would help me a whole hell of a lot in that situation).

Like two weeks ago our other neighbor, Organic Food Pusher’s niece came down our dead end road looking for her pit bulls who broke their chains and were running loose somewhere. She assured us that if they were wagging their tails we were in the clear though and to call her and let her know they were at our house. Umm, what if they weren’t wagging their tails?! Then she invited herself over for a cookout at our house. It was awkward.

Organic Food Pusher wanted to make sure to that I was aware that there was a panther spotted near the former Deer Farm like 8 minutes from our house. A panther. In Wisconsin. She’s so pigheaded I usually don’t argue with her but I totally called her out on this one, trying to get her to admit that it was probably a cougar as cougars are more likely to inhabit this area. She told me that panthers lived in any land they wanted until man came and developed everything. What do I know? I guess I’m just damn stupid.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the milk smelling wolves are also actually domestic dog eaters too. A few miles away a dog got attacked by a pack of wolves. This one I know is true, I saw it on the news and heard it at the Town Mart. Actually I looked it up on the DNR website, so it’s true. They wouldn’t lie to me.

I don’t know how the hell I am even going to manage to keep this kid alive unless we never leave the house. You know, since the wolves would smell the milk on her breath and be over here in two shakes of a lamb…something. I can’t remember.

How do you keep your babies (if you have them) alive? And are your neighbors bat shit crazy like mine?




*J and I call him “Sweatpants” instead of his real name because he only wears sweatpants. In the two years we’ve lived here, I’ve never seen a pair of jeans or Dickies on the man. I didn’t even know they made sweatpants in some of the colors he has.

**You will DEFINITELY hear more about “Organic Food Pusher” in the future. She loves to make me feel like an asshole because I’m fat/pregnant and I don’t buy organic milk for $3.79 for a half gallon. A few days ago she brought over an article she printed off about how my baby is going to have ADD because of it.

Everybody Loves Cats

I’m sure some of you took notice of the gobs of animals in the nursery photos and I’m finally ready to tell you about them. By now, you’re invested and you’ll still love me even after you hear my dirty little secret.

I’m Pregnant And…I’m a Crazy Cat Lady.

I have 4. Kate, Hitch, Orphan Annie and Levi. And yes, they all have middle names. Umm, don’t your pets have middle names?! And there's a good chance I can carry on a conversation with them because they talk back to me. They do. But it’s not entirely my fault that we have so many, Jordan enables me. Some women get purses or clothes when their husband’s want them to piss off, mine lets me get cats. Correction, let.

(The black one is Hitch, see his "thumb"? and Kate is the tabby)

I had Kate before I met the Hubs and we got Hitch after moving in together. Kate is really old and Hitch is a polydactyl and he's awesome. And giant, he weighs 18 lbs. If J wasn’t so obsessed with cars at the time, leaving me oh so lonely I wouldn’t have even have been reading the Classifieds and decided that I wanted to get a kitten.

(Levi (the grey one) and Annie's "Mom" watching over them @ 4wks old)

He found Annie and Levi abandoned at like 2 weeks old n the middle of the road after we were living in our house and I raised them from then on, like “stimulating” them to make them pee and poo and feeding them kitten milk replacer with an eyedropper to keep them alive. And our dog Rubi loves them to death and let them nurse on her for like 3 months. Annie still thinks the dog is her Mom. After all that, would you have been able to get rid of them? I didn’t think so. ("The Kittens" now, all grown up)

And I would totally get more. Like the cat that roams around our town. No matter how many times I bait him with wet cat food and try to sneak up and grab him, he just refuses to be part of our family. Damnit, I don’t have an orange one.

Please tell me that you have cats too, even if it’s only one. Definitely tell me if you have more than me so I can convince the Hubs to let me get more.

Gifts for Baby

I am having three baby showers. THREE! Well I had two but still, that many baby showers is nuts. I guess it’s probably good news if you don’t mind being fawned over or whatever but for me it was torture. Opening gifts one at a time in complete silence in front of a whole mess of people? So uncomfy. It was even more awkward than our wedding where I acted like a total douche since I don’t know how to act when people are at a party for me.

My Mom asked me to help her with the invitation for her family’s baby shower since she can barely send out an email and they were the “Print at Home” kind. She told me not to include where I was registered since she thought it was rude and anyway, people would ask when they called to RSVP. They didn’t. I think out of the 25 people there, 3 people bought off the registry. My mom only bought off the registry since I was a whiny little shit and she was tired of hearing me talk about the Chicco Travel System, childhood friend Stube did because she has a baby and she knows what a pain it is to create one, let alone not get anything off it and my cousin because she loves me and Jordan more than anyone else in the entire world. For real, even more than our parents. Everyone else bought clothes and I was freaking the fudge out since I already had more than enough clothes. At least there was Round II.

Jordan’s Dad and Stepmom, M, know what an uptight, stressed out weirdo I can be and made sure to include the registries on the invitation. They’re the same ones who bought us the bassinet/pack ‘n play so I can’t make excuses about why they can’t watch the baby overnight. Love them, they just get me and we all have a really good time making fun of me. Anyway, all of Jordan’s Dad’s family bought off the registry except for his grandma. She got the baby a rooster wind chime. I’m not even shitting you, she got an infant a wind chime. Like, what the hell was she thinking? “Oh well here, this here is the gift I will get for my great-granddaughter, a wind chime so that she can be woken up after she finally drifts asleep!” Ridic.

Frick, I'm Nice.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I had a good time with Jordan’s family. And it wasn’t even because they didn’t end up playing volleyball and turns out they didn’t have any roller coasters. Or that all of the cheese they had on the cheese bar they did have was totally not on the “Don’t Eat” list.

I talked to his aunt that I had a huge e-mail battle with. I was nice to his cousin who I think is a little bit weird and I even let 2 people touch my belly without asking. I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s like this 3 lb little person makes me a better person. It’s really starting to freak me out. Maybe it will go away after I give birth, you know like gestational diabetes or feet swelling?

And in case you’re wondering, there were dishes made with pudding, whipped cream, sour cream and cream cheese and I ate them all. I don’t discriminate against food or second or third helpings.

Dreams Really Do Come True

You are not even going to believe this shit. So OMG Mom emailed me since she's going to Hawaii next week (lucky!) and she wants me to do a guest post. Yeah, if I didn't re-read the 137 times I wouldn't believe it myself. Go read her blog now.

Also, on a side note, does anyone else think Craig Ferguson is tasty? Something about his salt 'n pepper hair and accent drive me WILD. Will someone please get me a napkin to wipe off my chair? So hot. Now that I follow him on Twitter (Will someone please pity follow me?) I'm going to convince him to make me his child bride, maybe you can help.

Pregnancy Camp Sign Up!

Remember how I told you about the Hubster being so sweet and congratulating me on not becoming a whale? Turns out that’s the only good thing about my pregnancy. Okay, I get that sometimes I may be a little hard to handle but it’s not like I go unprovoked.

Like the time I had just gotten done painting in the baby’s room and was washing my hands and Jordan marches over to make sure that I wasn’t going to leave my paintbrushes in there. That’s when someone else takes over and my head does that thing like Chucky and it turns real slow and I say “Do you fucking think that I am going to leave my shit in there? Jesus Christ, I’m just trying to wash my effing hands!” but it also doesn’t help the situation when he walks away from me and says “This bitch is crazy” under his breath. Once my face returns to a normal color I have to laugh because I can’t believe how ridiculous I’m being. I have NEVER pushed my husband so far as to have him call me the “B” word. Still, I don’t think a couple outbursts in 7 months is that bad. They certainly don’t warrant this fantasy he has about Pregnancy Camp.

He keeps telling me how when we’re ready to pork again and hopefully get pregnant that I’m getting shipped off to Pregnancy Camp. Apparently it’s this magical place where husbands send their wives to watch daytime TV and go swimming and talk about our feelings or something.

I guess the husband and wife find out their pregnant, share a hug and then jump in the car and head for camp. Oh, I didn’t mention that the wife gets blindfolded? She does, because “that way, if she tries to escape, she won’t be able to find her way back home”. It’s probably not as bad as it sounds. The preggos get two leaves where they are allowed to visit their husbands for a weekend and join the general population. Jordan tells me that they have excellent medical care there too and you get ultrasounds “whenever you want”.

I cannot believe some of the crap that comes out of his mouth.

The Baby Excuse

One of the best things about being pregnant and then having a baby is that you can blame the baby for EVERYTHING. It’s amazing and I totally recommend getting pregnant if you have a family reunion you want to pass on or are really in the mood for cheesecake or something. It took me a like 4 months until I realized I had this power so I have to have another baby to really benefit from it.

The hubster is one of five kids and his Mom is one of like nine so you can only imagine all of the family events we’re dragged to every month. The bright side is there’s always quite a spread of food made mostly with cream cheese, whipped cream, sour cream or really any kind of pudding. But there are times when even the food isn’t worth the 5 hours I had to spend being an awkward asshole because I don’t really mesh with his people. Then I got pregnant and I got smart. Now we can dip out early when I feel dizzy or I can pretend the baby never kicks so that they have to keep their fat dirty fingers off of me. See? Get pregnant, it works and there’s always something new you can use as an excuse. Like gas.

I’m not sure what card I’m going to play for this weekend’s torture. We have to go to a Welcome Back from Germany/ Fourth of July/ Engagement Party and the activities include German wine tasting, volleyball and probably a whole bunch of other fun stuff that I can’t do. Probably roller coasters or waterslides and a soft cheese bar.

How to get Fat FAST

I had a really hard time gaining weight with this kid. I had gone down like 5 lbs after battling with that bastard, morning sickness and when it finally went away I could still eat to my heart’s desire and the scale wouldn’t move. It was becoming a real bitch, especially when my Dr. kept asking me if I had an eating disorder and that I should “work on” gaining some weight.
At our 24 week appointment I had only gained 2 measly pounds and I could tell he was really going to bring the axe down on me. Are you eating enough? Yes duh. How often do you exercise? Never. Do you have an eating disorder? No stupid. And so began Operation Fat Ass.

First I started adding 3 meals a week of a deep fried buffet and it was heavenly. Deep friend oreos, deep friend cauliflower, a failed attempt at deep friend green beans (give up the secret TGI Fridays!), bite size pizza thingies, onion rings, sweet potato fries and anything else I could batter or buy pre-battered. I wasn’t pissing around anymore, I was going to be fat. And just in case the deep fried foods didn’t do it I started myself on a cheesecake regimen. 2 slices of chocolate cheesecake in the morning and 2 slices of Turtle cheesecake after dinner on 4 separate days. Now I was getting somewhere.

When we went to our next prenatal visit, just 18 days after the last I had gained 5 LBS! It was pretty shocking to hear the number after so many “No gain” or “Up half a pound!”s but it was like I had set out to do something and I did it! Even if my goal was to get fat.

Hubs confessed to me two nights ago that he’s glad I’m not a total porker (even after the 5 lbs.), that he thought that I would get “fat in the face” and gain 60 lbs like his mom did when she was knocked up with him. The love fest didn’t end there either, he wanted to make sure I really got what he was trying to say and continued on about how my belly wasn’t “jiggly” and if I jumped I wouldn’t look like a bowl of Jello. So romantic.