Tuesday, August 31, 2010

While I Was Out...

I am one crabby bitch. Seriously. I am an asshole about everything lately and I don’t want to do anything. Why do people think it’s okay to harass pregnant women? Like, someone (in Jordan’s family) left a message instructing me to look up some things and print crap off and send it to her the other day. What the eff? Do it yourself. I’m pregnant. Or when the Cougster called up to ask for a ride since she knew we were in town. Call one of your other kids who lives in the same city. I’m pregnant. Oh, can we come over to your house? Find something else to do. I’m pregnant.

Which brings me to the next hot topic. Brad. So Brad and FO called to ask if they could come over to celebrate Jordan’s new job. I have to act like I like them sometimes, so I said okay and we decided to have “Make your own Pizza” night. The only thing that went well that night was the pizza.

So they brought their leg-pissing-on, jumping-on, cat-chasing, floor-shitting-on, Rubi-riling-up, dog to our house. Without asking. It’s like 5 months old but they bring it EVERYWHERE. It goes to Mother’s Day lunch where it jumps on someone and takes a hamburger off of their plate. It goes to the Welcome Back party at an apartment building that does not allow dogs. It even goes to my Baby Shower where it PISSED ON A GUEST and neither Brad nor FO apologized or even acknowledged the fact that their asshole dog pissed on someone right when the party started. And it jumps on shit. It knows how to roll over and shake and crap. Here’s an effing trick, teach her to not jump on pregnant women. I don’t know why they insist on bringing it everywhere, it’s past the cute puppy stage and it uses a kennel, so leave it home. But they need the attention.

I don’t know who’s the bigger asshole, the dog or Brad and FO. When your dog pisses on someone you get embarrassed and apologize up and down to the person. You also don’t ask to hitch a ride with another family member to an event 2 hours away and not tell them that you’re bringing your shedding dog into her just detailed car. You don’t try to blame your dog shitting on someone’s carpet because it ate all the dog who lives there’s food and try to blame it on the dog who lives there. You don’t let your annoying dog chase their cats around the house, especially if one of them is way too old for the stress.

Both the dog and Brad and FO need tons more training. I don’t know if you can teach a dog or a person not to be a self-centered, rude asshole though. Okay, I’m CERTAIN that you cannot undo this behavior since it was pretty damn clear when Brad mentioned that he and FO would be visiting much more frequently when the baby is born. Hold the phone, you think what? Jordan must be slightly brain dead because he didn’t say ANYTHING about how this was not going to happen, so I tried to politely explain that life with a newborn with be much different and I don’t want to have to worry about the house being clean or having to leave the room for 45 minutes to breastfeed and burp and change her and then do it again in 2 hours. AND HE GOT PISSED. Are you reading this shit? He made a HUGE stank about it and was all offended but dropped it 10 minutes later. Until he had had 6 more beers and brought it up again. (Oh yeah, there is NEVER a time when Brad is around that he’s not drinking) Of course, being drunk gave him the confidence to bring it up again. Not only that, he started yelling and mocked the fact that I am so committed to breastfeeding and I was just using it as an exuse. I was in the kitchen with FO and after 5 minutes of his pissing and moaning yelled to J to tell his bother to STFU or he could forget visiting AT ALL. Then Brad got up and told us all to go fuck ourselves and for FO to get their shit because they were leaving. WHO DOES THAT? Who picks a fight with a pregnant chick and pouts about not being able to try to push his way into someone else’s life. Brad does.

That was after Brad let the effing dog off the leash and it ran around and FO came out and screamed obseneties at the dog and her husband…in front of our neighbors.
The good news is that Jordan has agreed that I do not have to see Brad for the rest of my pregnancy nor are they allowed to babysit. I also let J know that Brad and FO are not allowed at our house any longer since drinking, screaming at each other and bringing jumping asshole dog is not appropriate behavior for a couple with an infant. I don’t know if he told Brad this, but I will be glad to let him know myself. After I calmed down a week later, I consider “Make your own Pizza” night a success.

But enough about Brad. J and I have exciting news. Well not “We had the baby FINALLY!” news but, good new nonetheless. I think I mentioned somewhere that J is a contractor but took a part time job since work has been slow and there ain’t no way we will be able to ride the money rollercoaster like we used to sometimes do, with a baby. The part time job is retarded but THANKFULLY he got a call back from a company he’s being trying to get in for a while…where he will be making DOUBLE what he makes at his current job in a full time position. Heck yes. They have some bitchin’ benefits that I’m super excited about. (You know you’re a lame adult when…) J keeps telling me about all the shit we are going to buy and how I don’t have to be a weird money saving fool anymore. Umm, no. My husband is an idiot and just for that comment I’m going to lie to him and make our own laundry detergent since he shot down the idea before. And I’m going to get me some wool dryer balls too.

OMG. Do not want to forget to mention that the anal swabbage I was so freaked out about was not totally not that bad. If I had to, I would do it again. Not that I liked it. I’m not some weirdo who gets turned on by having my anus swabbed, just that I didn’t even know that she had done it and I made a huge deal over nothing. So if the horror of having your bum swabbed was a baby deal breaker for you, I’m here to tell you to just go for it.

Last time we talked I didn’t have Shrek feet either. It’s quite the change from my usual boney looking, crack whore feet and J even had the pills to ask me if I ever had ankles. But he did add that he was glad that my face didn’t look like my feet. Thanks punkin.

Oh yeah, the baby dropped too. And it feels like I had rough sex…except it doesn’t hurt when I pee. This shit sucks, it hurts to toss and turn in bed and getting off of or onto things is a real bitch. It feels like someone punched me in the vagina. Maybe it was the baby. She may or may not be pissed off that I keep trying to speed things up by walking and making us both deal with spicy food. But I will be the first to tell you that she better not piss and moan about my nipples. I don’t care how many blisters the one has from trying to pump my breasts. Yeah, I’m the crazy woman with the breast pump contraption attached to me while watching Grey’s Anatomy trying to make some damn Oxytocin and have some contractions. It was a good episode and I wasn’t paying attention and before you know it it’s been 30 minutes and my nipple has 2 blisters. This is not a good sign. And a word to the wise, nipple ointment and having to wear breast pads BEFORE you have a baby is not a turn on for your husband. I tried to offer up some sex and he declined. Apparently, it’s also not a turn on when you he knows that there is a real, life sized baby in there. I don’t think he realizes that the next time he will get sex is in 60 days IF I deliver on my due date and IF I am cleared for take-off at 6 weeks post partum. I would also like to note that he was subconsciously air humping the side of the bed the other day. I give it a week, pregnant-with-a-life-size-baby-body or not.

Still not sure how things are going to go with the blog. Maybe I won’t be a cranky bitch for the next few weeks and I will post. But I’m worried about what my life will be like when Jillian is FINALLY here. Am I going to have time? Will I feel guilty about taking the time to post and respond to comments? Will laundry get done? We’ll have to see. But you can be certain that I will be here tonight for our Teen Mom chat. Anyone else feel like last week sucked since it wasn’t on?


KimR said...

I missed you SO MUCH!!! Brad can go suck a huge nut. BTW, I decided I have to be the first one to know when you pop out Miss Jillian, so he can get in line. Kidding...unless you WANT to tell me first, in which case it would totally cool with me.
As far as blogging, you will adjust to the demands and maybe you'll only blog once a week, but we'll be ok with that, as long as it's nothing but pictures of that gorgeous baby girl. Besides, you have the baby swing, and those things will score you so much nap time, it ought to be illegal.

JC said...

WOW. Good luck with Brand and FO! You will get everything done ... in time. Jillian will sleep so much for the first few months - BUT you will need time to rest too! I was never one of those "nap while the baby naps" girl but I envy those who did. I got things done. Eventually. Sometimes I just liked sitting on the couch doing n.o.t.h.i.n.g!!
Good luck in the next few weeks!
ps - dryer balls are amazing. I made them when H was 2 mo old. Super easy to make too since you are doing a crap load of laundry each day with the baby. If you don't have time let me know and I can make them for you and send them your way.

Brandi said...

I would so put my foot down on the "Brad-&-FO-can't-bring-dogs-to-our-house" rule. Maybe they'll leave you alone if they can't bring their dog. What a pain.

Hang in there! We all hope you keep blogging!

Sara Lyn @ Musings of a Mommy said...

omg. Please do not ever leave again. My google reader was a SAD place without you. I would look every day and you were not there, until TODAY, and I was not disappointed - this post was hilarious! I totally get that you are a crabby preggo person about to push out a large human though, and trust me, I understand being too busy or tired to update the blog. I haven't touched mine in weeks because I just do not have the time. But just know that secretly I'm going to be very mad at you if you don't continue to blog.

J/K. Sort of.


Amanda said...

Ok, in case you didn't know this... the anal swab wasn't bad, but if you have her vaginally, they will stick a finger up your butt afterward to make sure you didn't anything up in there. cause apparently that happens sometimes. the good news, you just squeezed out a watermelon and won't even notice the finger in your booty!

Good luck with delivery, can't wait to see pictures!

Mrs H said...

Cranky bitches (is there supposed to be an e in bitches?) rock - bring it.
Missed you - glad you're back - in whatever capacity you decide.

Maranda said...

So happy to see you blogged again - I've missed it! And congrats to J on the new job!! Just curious - do you frequent blogs of those who comment and/or follow you?

Mrs Gator said...

So glad you're back! I missed your rants... they are what make me feel like I'm not the only one with a crazy ass family.

KT said...

If our dog peed on someone's leg I would be BESIDE myself. I can't believe that they didn't apologize and were not embarrassed! Ridonkulous.

Oph said...

It is almost time for Miss Jillian to arrive!!! Though obviously you're aware of that. How exciting! :) Hope everything's going well with you guys.

i love to teach math said...

i missed you. i will just keep checking back in to see that latest post. you are pregnant so whatever works for you works for us readers. and when you have the baby it is: you just had a baby so whatever works for you.
looking forward to your honest truths of motherhood. my seven week old makes me a comdian ---


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