Sunday, August 1, 2010

How to Handle Other Children When Having a New Baby

Guess what time our phone rang last night? 9:49 PM. I’m not even going to ask you who you think it was because I don’t want to insult your intelligence.

The first ring Jordan knew he was in for it since the night before we had a super sized argument about my concerns about Jordan’s involvement in this “We’re reaching the end of our pregnancy and we still have a butt load of crap to do and figure out frenzy.” And Brad’s involvement in it since there are really three people in this marriage. It was also about the fact that Brad calls Every. Single. Day. And if he doesn’t get an answer, he calls again and again and again. Like Alicia Silverston’s character in “The Crush”.

The fact that Brad is a crazy bitch and has some sort of weird hold on Jordan really concerns me as the mother of his child. Like after we found out that it really only does take one time without a condom and decided to get married sooner than we had planned, like 2 months later. My mom planned our wedding since I was nose deep in the toilet, praying to puke and we had no plans for bachelor or bachelorette parties…. Until Brad insisted that Jordan needed one. Jordan said no at first but they must have had some secret conversation and decided that they should go ahead and do it, with two weeks left to our wedding. Brad was busy that weekend so they scheduled it for, wait for it, the night before the wedding. We fought about this for a effing week since his brother pulled this shit at his own wedding and nothing about his marriage says fairytale. Going out the night before your wedding with a band of men that include your alcoholic brother and my Dad is never a good idea, but my super sensitive husband-to-be assured me that they were going to go out for fish and then to the casino and home by 11 at the latest since Jordan “didn’t want to be too tired or hungover to miss the most important day of his life”.

I spent the night before the wedding trying to fucking figure out an Ipod and put music on it for our reception while Jordan threw them back. We needed some Ipod part that I didn’t even know existed but FO, who was with us, had at her house…where the bachelor party was kicking off. Jordan was already drunk at 5:30 and they hadn’t eaten any damn fish yet. Things did not go well after that. I won’t even make you listen to the horror that was that night but I spent it awake and crying because I was so damn worried and royally POed. When my Mom woke me up at 5 I was not the beaming bride to be she expected to see, but whatever, we started on the long list of shit we had to do. First stop was at the ballroom to meet the florist and my Future Step MIL (not the Coug, the other one). Since my FIL was at the bachelor party and a responsible guy, I asked FSMIL what time he got home. “Oh, sometime around 2:30”. I’ll give you a minute to scroll back up since I bet you’re thinking that it significantly after the time Jordan promised he would be home. Then the water works came. So yes, I spent the night before my wedding and the wedding day crying because I was pretty sure I was making a mistake by marrying someone who would lie to me and stress me out being pregnant with his child and in the sensitive first trimester. Obvs you know I still married the stupid fucker. But our wedding is not a time I look back on with fond memories because the day where the girl is supposed to put on the white dress and be smiling ear to ear all day was stolen from me. By that bastard Brad and his brother’s unwavering desire to do whatever the fuck Brad wants him to do. But back to the phone call.

I answered the phone, not with a “Hello Ass Eyes!” but a “Do you know what time it is?” Apparently he did know since he “meant to call the cell phone”. I threw the phone at Jordan. Okay, so I’m confused because the last time Brad blatantly disregarded our rules he called the cell phone but Jordan told me that he had discussed that calling either phones was inappropriate since it was still after 9. I totally see where the problem is. Jordan doesn’t know how to properly child rear. I hope you’re not laughing over there since I’m not kidding. I wish I was, but I’m not.

Here’s why you have to approach conversations with Brad the same way you would a child:
1. He’s an infant and needs to talk to or see Jordan more than the baby will in a few weeks.
2. He calls Jordan nearly every day and whenever they do talk Jordan either goes outside or leaves the room if I enter it. Weird. Like behavior that a cheater would exhibit. But who am I kidding, this is a love affair if there ever were one. The movie Body Guard was actually based on their relationship.
3. Jordan will do anything to make sure that his brother isn’t mad or had his feelings hurt. Whenever we do something with anyone, we have to invite Brad because Jordan’s scared that Brad will find out about it. I often get the shaft.
4. Jordan is Brad’s marionette. Jordan isn’t usually a disrespectful whale penis but let me just say that I have never been so embarrassed and disrespected IN MY LIFE than when Brad has a hold over my husband. The purpose of the bachelor party story was to illustrate just one of those times.
5. Brad has no life and is jealous that we are having a baby. He feels the need to be part of it. I’m going to have to have the “We’re having a baby and Mommy and Daddy aren’t going to be able to pay as much attention to you because the new baby will need us so you should piss off and get yourself a hobby or something” conversation with him.

Jordan told his brother, who wanted to come see the job he’s working on told him that “There’s not a lot done and nothing for you to see.” I don’t know about you but that doesn’t sound like it’s going to let him know that you are there TO WORK, not socialize and him stopping over is inappropriate. And so, it all becomes crystal clear as to why we have the same fucking problems with Brad over and over again. From now on we’re going to try a new approach. I’m going to hire a gorilla to ass rape Brad and repeat “Do not call after 9 pm, it’s rude and Jordan and Raquel are about to have a baby who also doesn’t want you calling and waking her up”. I’ll let you know how it goes.

If you have brothers or sisters or husbands with siblings, tell me about their relationship. I’m pretty sure Jordan and Brad’s relationship is fucking weird but apparently I don’t know anything about “family” since I’m an only child. (Jordan often refers to he and Brad as family, not in reference to his other siblings or parents, just he and Brad. I guess he forgets that he and I and our baby are family. But whatevs)


Nell said...

My bf's sisters are soooo bitchy to me and try to start stuff all the time... they even talked crap before they had ever met me to his grandparents LAME... They are nuts though like seriously crazy... so I try to just ignore them for fear they will cut me lol jk... but the hold his one sister has is she threatens to kill herself, so Joey (my bf) and everyone else lets her go around acting crazy and being a terrible mother and alcoholic without saying anything to her...

Mama D said...

I'm an only child so I don't really have that problem. Phil has a sister that's 4 years younger than him and a brother that's 8 years younger. I liked this brother a lot more when he was younger and depended on us a bit. I didn't get along w/ his sister for a while but now that Jillian is here, she's been very helpful.

My big problem has been my MIL lately. She thinks raising a kid is the way it was 20 years ago when the BIL was born. Wrong again. Unfortunately, Phil thinks the woman shits gold so no matter what she says, she must be right.

As for my mom, she's crazy and calls 17 times a day.

Oph said...

Wow how totally obnoxious! I think that it is wicked weird to leave the room to talk to his brother. I agree that you should have a serious chat with him and if that doesn't work maybe the gorilla raping will. Hm seems like Jordan needs to get with the program as well (no offense). Why is he giving in to his brother ALL THE TIME?! Especially the night before your wedding?? Brad best not think that he needs to take Jordan out to celebrate the baby's arrival cause if he does, I'd have to have a smackdown. I am sorry you're having all these issues! That is totally not cool or mature. My FI had a friend who used to pressure him into doing things he shouldn't. I made it clear to the friend (now the Best Man) and to FI that is was not going to happen anymore and to cut the junk or he wouldn't be around much. Suffice it to say that it worked and we get along now. FI nows who he has to deal with and it generally works out well :) Sorry I a book. I can't believe you're still sane for dealing with all that Sugar Honey Ice Tea.

Laura said...

ARE YOU SERIOUS? Wow, if I had a boyfriend/husband who acted like this with his brother or friend or anyone else... acted like he was SCARED of not doing as this friend said, that would actually be a dealbreaker for me.

If Jordan can't man up and tell Brad to butt out and draw appropriate boundaries, then that's a clear message that you're less important to him than Brad is. And when the baby arrives, if Jordan continues to act this way and allow Brad to interrupt you whenever he chooses, then he's saying Brad is more important than the baby. NOT OKAY.

I'd take pretty drastic measures if it were me, frankly. If he can't respect your no-calls-after-9 rule, I'd quit talking to him at any hour of the day. I'd unplug the house phone after 9. I might change the number and not tell Brad the new one. And Jordan needs to be the one to lay down the law with his brother... Brad needs to be given some boundaries for now and for when the baby arrives that need to be respected or else he's not welcome at all. That's what I'd do anyway. And I'd expect my husband to back me up on it or I'd start thinking about ending the relationship.

Brandi said...

My husband isn't "close" with his family, and we often go weeks without hearing from them (because usually hubby has to call them, or they've forgotten they ever had a son in the first place - then, when they remember, sometimes they'll call him all "Why do you hate us?!"). But they're all mentally ill - one has PTSD, one Munchausen by Proxy (thankfully she doesn't inflict illness, just exaggerates it and thrives on her children being "sick") as well as general idiocy, and one has mild mental retardation, but should be functional enough to work, except that she's always "sick." Co-dependence is a bitch, and my husband has a really hard time telling them he's not putting up with their crap anymore. So, a few times a year, we have a major blowout with them. If you ever learn how to get them to cut the cord, please do share.

Brandy said...

Obviously Jordan needs to set some boundaries with Brad. Which after a lifetime of the same relationship pattern is going to be hard and probably take a while.
First step is to write down exactly what you need Jordan to do and tell his brother and why and what will happen if these boundaries are repeatedly broken. Both you and Jordan should agree on these rules. If you dont come up with a compromise that works.
ie: No calls after 9pm. Because that is quiet time at your house. If Brad continues to call after 9pm the phone will be turned off/a gorilla will be sent.
Basically its like laying down rules for children!
Here is the rule, here is the reason it is a rule and here is what happens if you break that rule.
Jordan has to learn that saying no to his brother or not including his brother in everything he does doesnt mean that he loves his brother any less. If Brads feelings get hurt so be it, hes a big boy and he will get over it and if he doesnt then so what? They are still brothers.
Jordan chose to marry you, therefore you are his family now. Top priority no matter what. If Jordans happiness and baby on the way make Brad jealous then thats Brads issue to deal with.

Sounds like both boys need to grow up and realise that the relationship they have isnt a healthy one.

I admit I do talk to my sister a lot, we text almost daily and I do go into the other room when I get calls. This is because growing up my mother was always listening in and trying to get in on the calls. It has nothing to do with my husband over hearing just a long ingrained reaction.
Having a close sibling is like having someone to share war stories with. No one else seems to get you like a sibling would because you share such an extensive history and understand what the other has been through.

Jaclyn said...

It's really weird. When the baby is born, your husband needs to keep his cell phone on vibrate while the baby is sleeping.

Your problem with needing to drag Brad everywhere will end when you have an infant, since you will not be leaving the house much to socialize.

As frustrating as Brad is, your real problem is the fact that your husband hasn't set normal boundaries with his brother, and seems unwilling to do so. I hope this changes quickly after the baby is born.

Raquel said...

Let me just say that I love you all and I know you’re not just agreeing with me because we love each other. We have a healthy relationship unlike my very own Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner characters. I’m going to have an intervention tonight with all this feedback.

@Nell- Dude Brad did that shit too. Obvs he is like a girl. I used to be afraid that Brad would tell Jordan to break up with me or something but I’m not anymore. He put a ring on it, and now it costs money to get rid of me. Dude, his sister sounds mad crazy. Let me just say, you better love him a whole lot because that’s a whole lot of crazy to deal with and you don’t want to get stuck with them because you’re pregnant and married. Just sayin’

@Mama D- That’s crazy, Brad shits gold too. Why couldn’t I have gotten that trait instead of like red hair. I hate the phone I don’t know how you deal with 17 phone calls a day.

@Oph- Please be our marriage counselor. I like when people agree with me. I cannot believe that you were able to have a rational conversation with the Best Man and he respected that. That shit is amazing to me.

@Brandi- My husband is a big vagina. I fucking told him exactly what you said about him behaving that way is saying that Brad is more important. We’re sharing the same brain obvs. I so thought about changing the phone number too, I’m going to bring it up tonight. We totally had a HUGE fight today and I told him that I’m going to be effing gone if this shit keeps up. I don’t think he knew I was bluffing because I was pretty dramatic about it.

@Brandy- I am so fucking make him do this with me tonight. Then I’m going to mail the laminated rules (you know, in case he spills Spaghetti-Os on it) and 10 Paint-By-Numbers along with it so Brad has something to do besides call my house. If that doesn’t work, can I talk on the phone to you and your sister so I can give him a taste of his own medicine?

@Jaclyn- I’m totally counting down the days until I have this baby so I can see what things are going to be like. I’m really excited to go fucking crazy on Brad the first time he breaks a rule. Like I hope I go into early labor so I can do it sooner if the stress from all this doesn’t make me go into labor anyway.

Wayne & Brianna said...

In Laws??? I totally get it!! My husband's SIL is totally obsessed with him and I think she cries her self to sleep every night because she feels that she could have possibly married the wrong brother (as if she had a choice). There is nothing that anyone could tell me that would convince me that she isn't secretly in love with him. She calls him all the time, rides by our house all the time, and even calls our friends to check on us since we don't respond. We haven't spoke to her crazy ass in over a year but she's a persistent little bitch and doesn't get a clue... Please explain...shit makes no sense!

KimR said...

I completely second what Laura said. That sums up exactly what was going thru my head when I was reading your post. That whole relationship is fucked up six ways to Sunday.

Raquel said...

@Wayne&Brianna- What?! Who does that shit? That's fucking creepy that she's like that. That seems like incest even though technically, it's not.

@KimR- I don't even know what to do anymore. This is so ridonkulous and I'm going to have to find a new approach to this crap because fighting with my husband about it sucks. Obvs the only solution is to find someone with an angry and horny silver back gorilla.

Kelly L said...

Um, yeah. That's weird.

I don't know what to tell you, but I just thought I would provide you with some vindication.

Amy said...

My husband has a very close relationship with his sister as well. Not THAT close, but close. Here's one thing that bugs me: My husband started smoking when he was 12. Yes, 12. I met him and he was still smoking at age 24. When we started dating, I told him I didn't like the habit and if things got serious he would need to quit. About a year into the relationship he did quit. His sister has two kids and still smokes, but hides it from her husband. Sometimes, she'll ask my husband (her brother) to go outside with her while she smokes. I know that he smokes occasionally when he's out with friends, but I am always trying to get him to drop this because it is such a slippery slope. I hate that she thinks it is ok to hide this smoking from her husband and is trying to drag down my husband with her. I love her, but this is one thing I can't stand.

Laura said...

It bothers me so much that your husband fights you on this and doesn't see your point of view. It's so clear to everyone else who read about this that he's having some boundary issues with his brother :( I really hope you can get this sorted out adding a newborn baby to this equation is going to really throw a monkey wrench into things if Brad still thinks he's the third member of the marriage when the baby arrives. I'm sorry if my comment was too harsh or hurtful but I just couldn't believe what you're putting up with.

KT said...

Sounds like Brad needs a new hobby. Seriously.

My husband and I both have a sibling and we keep up with Facebook, texts and calls once in a while. Of course, we both live 500+ miles away from them...

Raquel said...

@Kelly- I thought I would eat this shit up but it kind of makes me want to throat punch my own husband.

@Amy- Hubster smokes so I effing hear you on that. At least he's come this far.

@Laura- Def not too harsh. I'm in total agreement with you and if things with Brad haven't been taken care of like my puss of a husband says they have I'm going to go Mommy crazy on him and he will no longer be a part of our lives. And if J has a problemo with that, he knows where to send the checks every month.

Raquel said...

@KT- He does. Like model cars. I wish we lived that far away from Brad. Lucky!


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