I See Your Crazy and Raise You A Sea Gull Eater

I have a confession. My family is crazy too. You heard a little about my Dad here but for the most part it’s been way more fun talking about J’s family. And they will always seem way more ridonk than mine. But J’s family definitely gets a run for their money once in a while.

Like at Mother’s Day brunch with my Dad’s family and my Grandma called Jordan “The Sperm Donor” in front of everyone. Grandma has dementia but it’s not like Jordan hasn’t been to every single one of our family events since 2006 so I don’t know what her beef with him is. Oh that’s right, maybe she found out that Jordan refers to her as “The Naked One” instead of Grandma S.

Between the two of us we have a ton of family members and I have 4 Grandmas and Great-Grandmothers alone. 3 on my Dad’s side, so he gets them confused a lot. I can’t say that my Great-Grandma E will be there, I say “The One Who Falls Asleep” will be there. See GG E is like 93 years old and is probably effing tired of being dragged to all of our get togethers, so she takes herself a damn nap at most of them. We’re all sitting, chatting and reminiscing and after a few minutes Grandma’s head droops to one side and she is OUT. Hence J’s nickname for her.

My naked grandma has a pretty unique name and I really have to watch who I’m around when I tell Jordan’s who is on the guest list for Christmas. Grandma S lived in Florida for like 10 years and I’m the only fucking person who didn’t know we could never visit her because she was living in a nudist colony. Yeah from about 57 to 67 years old, my Grandma was doing the typical Grandma shit like bingo and perusing the hard candy section like yours, except mine was friggen nakie. This fascinates Jordan and he’s always telling me about how it must have been expensive for her to move back to WI since she had to buy a whole bunch of clothes. Not the conversation anyone wants to have. It didn’t help her case when I found out that she also killed one of her husbands…while my Dad and his brother were downstairs. Is this not the craziest shit you’ve ever heard?! The person who told me instructed me not to tell ANYONE but I’m a nosy effing loudmouth and I can’t help it.

I needed to know more. Obvs my Dad was the person to ask but my source told me not to pry so I totally made up this shit about being on Ancestry.com trying to figure out our family tree and how it helps you try to identify people and shows you articles and photos of passports and crap and the article about my crazy, nakie Grandma putting a cap in someone’s ass came up. My Dad totally bought it and told me everything. He answered all the questions I had like, “How did I not know she was in jail?” but it turns out she pleaded insanity and did minimal time. And the guy she sent to kingdom come was my Uncle’s Dad, the one who was downstairs. You’re family looks pretty normal now, right?

Besides my nakie Grandma I have a pretty weird Step Dad too. He really likes space and black holes and shit. One time after he got drunk on box wine he had a bad dream or something and started like slapping my Mom in his sleep. She tried to wake him up, but he didn’t. At least she got an explanation…”the cosmetic rays” made him do it. I think the cosmic rays made him do it, but I’m not into space and crap, so I don’t know for sure. It really could have been the cosmetic ones.

Space Step Dad lived in Alaska for like 20 years before he met my Mom and he’s never gotten over the need to be outdoorsy and shoot things or whatever so he bought the phone and electric companies in a small town in Alaska so now he has an excuse to live there for 6 months out of the year. He always seems to get into trouble there, like last year when there were those huge fires. Yeah, that was a few miles from his shack. This year though, he ate a seagull.

I guess he took a break from playing the banjo and wanted to take a scenic boat ride on the Yukon with the $1000 dog my Mom bought him, Albert and he saw a primo log that he wanted to use to build my Mom a house. He pulled over to look at it but the ice broke or something and the boat was starting to float away. He was going to get it but he knew $1000 Albie would follow him and then drown. And my Mom and I would be hecka pissed that another dog would have met his demise in his care. So he let the boat go and he and $1000 Albie were stranded with nothing but each other and a chainsaw. My Mom says that around the second day Space Step Dad spotted a wounded sea gull. Poor sea gull. You know that sea gull saw his ravenous eyes and was like “Uh Oh” and tried like hell to get his bum ass moving but wasn’t successful. God rest his soul. So Space Step Dad being the “Survivor” quality man he is, started a fire with a chainsaw spark and cooked that shit up to eat. He says sea gull is not appetizing, even the dog refused it and survived off of rabbit poop instead, so don’t keep your eyes peeled for sea gull or anything. I still can’t look at a sea gull the same way anymore but I bet Space Step Dad can’t either.