Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I'm A Sunburnt Carcass Waiting to be Picked

Tubing is fun…if you stay in your tube. I did not and this was a terrible idea. I’m effing pregnant and pregnancy brain must have made me forget this shit because I got off my tube and decided that I would swim the group over to the middle of the river. There were 10 people and a tube with a cooler. It didn’t go so well. I was exhausted after a just a few kicks and didn’t even move anything.

Eventually I got us all to the middle but was so tired I couldn’t get back in my damn tube. It was not cute. And it didn’t get any better after a 5 minute break and just holding on for dear life and downing an entire bottle of water like I was about to die. Turns out when you’re like 18 lbs heavier and have a huge belly you aren’t getting on anything. Least of all a super inflated tube in deep waters. I tried to get on from the middle of the tube and managed to get my ass hooked on to the back but never actually in the tube. Thank god that it got shallow and I was able to get me and my belly on to the tube. But during that sad struggle and the multiple attempts to pull myself up I must have wiped the sunscreen off my belly. And it hurts. I’m also a lazy asshole and my arms feel like they were ripped from their sockets since I have no upper body strength but tried to use it. But enough about me, Coug was there. I know, why didn’t I just say that first?

And she brought a man. So she wasn’t going to be ditching us for potential cubs. I’m pretty sure that she was drunk though because she thought that we were naming the baby Lauren instead of Jillian. I mean Lauren is her middle name but WTF? It’s not like we had like 10 names in mind or anything and we’ve been set on Jillian for oh about 25 or so weeks. The Cougster is ridonk. So ridonk that even after we all changed into dry clothes for a bite she decided to sport some Bermuda shorts and an Ed Hardy swim top that was a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.

Oh and Brad and FO were there. He only pissed me off a few times during the day so things were going pretty well. Until. Until he pointed out that he and FO were hoping to get a call as soon as I have the baby. Ummm, no. That entitled bastard. I reminded him that I am planning on a drug free birth and there are people who will be called before them. Like our parents and people I actually like. I can’t believe he even had the pills to think that he was going to be the first to know. Then FO told the Cougster that she better be able to “hold that baby as soon as she is born”. That’s going to be a big fat negative. Bitch, if anyone gets to hold my kid it’s going to be me…the girl who sacrificed her vagina to bring her into this world.

I will not be pushing out this baby until 1 minute past visiting hours just to avoid the vultures and my idiot husband who thinks he’s going to be hosting a “Touch our new baby with your dirty hands” party minutes after she’s out. I don’t care if she’s going to fall out, I will clench like I have never clenched before . If he weren’t my ride to the hospital in 99% of the scenarios I wouldn’t even tell Jordan so I could get my ginatown situation under control, try to establish breastfeeding and have a minute to take a breath that wasn’t followed by a push.

How did you feel after delivering your baby? Were you up to visitors? Oh and did you poop?


Brandy said...

Best advice from every lady that has had a baby...don't call anyone until you are ready. If that is a couple of hours or a couple of weeks then so be it. My sister was bombarded with visitors the second my neice was born...at 4am.
Also set visiting hours. Basically have Jordan tell who ever "We are accepting visitors between 2-4" and have the nurses kick family out at 4.
Nurses are your friends when it comes to getting rid of visitors.
Oh and the other bit of advice is don't tell anyone your in labour. Even if you have told them a million times not to come to the hospital while you are in labour they will. AND for some reason mothers/MIL will think it's fine if they come into the room when you told them to get out because you need them there.

I'd say take at least a few hours before you call anyone. Give yourself time to rest, bond and clean up.
If anyone doesn't like it they can stuff it.

Oh and out of the ladies I asked most of them pooped but didn't know it until they were told later by the husband.

Alyssa said...

I had a c-section so no pooping over here but I did toot. Did you know when you get an epidural you can't tell if you have to toot and they just come out? Embarassing. Our son was born at 2:00 am so luckily visitors were not allowed for awhile. We were both exhausted but were ok with visitors but we were there 4 nights and on the 3rd night we said no visitors - it was just too much. I agree with Brandy, don't call anyone until/if you are ready. If someone showed up and I was feeding him, they had to wait outside.

Raquel said...

@Brandy- The tip about the nurses totally noted.

@Alyssa- Were they stinky ones? You're so lucky that you got time to hoard your baby.

JC said...

I did not poop. I have checked several times with the hubs on this and he is serious. Also, the midwife who delivered H said I didn't - but I still needed to confirm with the hubs. I had a very quick completely natural birth (1.5 hours in the hospital) and needed 3 stitches after. I wasn't jumping around the room but I wasn't dead to the world either. I felt pretty good. Decent. I have definitely felt worse. I mean, it is difficult to feel like complete crap when you have this complete precious baby in your arms! Breastfeeding didn't come easy but it wasn't the nightmare a lot of people have so I guess I was lucky. I was just SO hungry and thirsty! Bring lots of water bottles to the hospital with you. Ours gave me two to keep but I will bring about 3 extra next time because while hubs was filling one I was drinking the other and he was constantly filling pitchers and bottles and I like extras and back-ups in case. Drink. Lots. Of. Water. while you are bf-ing. Seriously. A lot of our friends had already had babies when H was born so #1 they knew what it was like and #2 they weren't going to get a babysitter for a 15 min visit to the hospital ... so we were lucky that we didn't have to turn away friends in that sense. In-laws came each day but for about 10 min and my parents were there twice but for 20 min tops each day. They live 4 hours away and wanted to see H when he was born but were kind enough to give us about a week before descending on us with visits and constant phone calls. You will need Jordan to be on the same page as you as far as visitors. For real. Get it all out now. Have the fight. Tell him how it will be. You will be so tired ... AND the hospital people told our parents that there are no "visitor hours" for grandparents ... but they had clearly gotten our message long before that we didn't really want them hanging around because they had such short visits. I was ready to kill the staff when they said that in front of my parents and in-laws but whatever. My hubs was on the same page as me and we really wanted to be our family for those first few days without passing the baby around and such. However, my sister would not let people leave her and her hubs for their first. She was so nervous and scared to be alone ... they begged my mother to spend the night (for the 7 days she was in the hospital for her c-section). I guess everyone is different.
I also agree with the others ... H was born at 7:55am and the only person we called was our boss (we are teachers at the same school) to call in sick. We waited until 10-ish to call everyone else just because we needed time to breathe and take it all in!!!

JC said...

- don't call people until you are ready. Seriously. You need time to take it all in, be with your baby, learn stuff from the nurses, shower, etc. Also, in my hospital they took H to give him a bath and during that time my hubs and I just sat together and talked about the experience while we waited for my new room. It was pretty much the last time we have been alone since.
- Uh ... we didn't want any visitors. Nope. Nope. Nope. But it is hard to keep the grandparents away. We let them stay for 15min. each day. My parents were more difficult to have leave. His parents were out the door as soon as I said "breastfeeding" so it didn't take me long to figure that one out (and am still using it today!)
- I felt fine after. I wasn't about to run a marathon or anything but I was fine. A natural high. I had little H and life was GOOD!
- no poop here. I have confirmed this several time with the hubs, dr, and midwife.
* advice non-related to your post: bring extra water bottles. we were given 2 but it wasn't enough. I was (and am still) SO thirsty from breastfeeding. You will drink GALLONS of water per day. No. Joke.

Kelli said...

My mom had to drive me to the hospital b/c I went into labor while we were at the movies. I did NOT want her in the delivery room, so I had the nurses say that only one person (hubs) was allowed because Aiden was 4 weeks early and the NICU team was in there (they really were in the room, but the one person rule was a lie). I didn't mind visitors afterwards, mostly because I only saw my mom and my bff and hubs' bff - everyone else just crowded outside the nursery to watch him be cleaned and whatnot. I did have a parade of visitors the next day that was overwhelming though. Next time I'll call everyone once we're already home.


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