Saturday, August 7, 2010

How to Tell Your Husband (and Family) You're Pregnant.

As much as I hate Brad and his wife, FO, I have them to thank for my little lady. They threw a New Year’s Party and FO invited Jordan’s ex-girlfriend who I may or may not have bitched out at their wedding. I mean, I would have totally been up for Round II but it really came down to the point that it was really effing rude of them. Furthermore, FO and Brad didn’t see what the big deal was and gave us a hard time about not going and only made me more determined to give them a big FU and not go.

Instead we decided to go down to Wisconsin Dells (Home of Noah’s Ark, holla!). We got tickets to a Comedy and Hypnosis show and booked ourselves the honeymoon suite at what we found out was the cheesiest hotel ever. There was a red, heart shaped tub that we still affectionately call the “Love Tub”.

We had a fucking blast and the show was HILARIOUS and I’m not going to lie, I would totally leave Jillian with one of her approved grandparents and go this year too. Obvs comedy gets me in the mood. So after a perfect night of margaritas, a little adult comedy and a buffet of aphrodisiacs (shrimp and taco dip) we grabbed a cab back to the hotel. You’ve probably put two and two together and figured out that it equals three. Jordan, me and our baby-to-be. And it’s totally true that when you stop thinking about the mechanics behind it and Nike that shit, poof you’re knocked up.

I was obsessed with taking pregnancy tests even before it was possible to detect and finally I was pretty sure that there was a faint second line. J didn’t think so and apparently he’s a master pregnancy test decipherer so he got me a pack of the digitals so I wouldn’t be confused. I used to laugh at their stupid commercials and wonder who the hell can’t read a traditional pregnancy test. Apparently I can’t. I took a test the next day while he was at work and I nearly shit myself when it said “Pregnant”. Even if you’re trying to get knocked up, it still takes you by surprise. Like, Holy Crap we actually did it.

I wanted to tell Jordan in a super special way and decided it would be as cute as kittens to put a single bun in the oven. Get it? Bun in the oven. He didn’t. He came home and I managed to keep my cool and tell him that I was making him something and he should check out what was in the oven. Being the romantic guy he is, he got pissed that it wasn’t Tatertot Casserole or something to actually eat. “You made one bun?” so I had to break the news that I was with child and gave him the pregnancy test. Okay, I tossed it at him because he spoiled my perfect Baby Book story. You’re “I’m pregnant!” story wasn’t just as magical?

No one and I mean not a damn soul knew that J and I decided to pork for more than just fun so everyone was pretty floored when we broke the news. Like my Mom who thought we were kidding and kept talking about random crap like the weather or something. After we convinced her this was not a drill we all went out to dinner to celebrate. Then she bought us baby moccasins since she’s Indian. My Mom isn’t one of those warm and fuzzy Moms so I was pretty impressed by the moccasins.

We waited until my Dad was drunk before we told him that he was going to be a Grandpa. It’s always awkward pretty much telling your Dad you have sex so we thought it best he have a few dozen drinks in him. He was pretty excited, even the next day after a cold shower. And because Jordan is always looking for trouble, this is the shirt he decided to wear the next time he saw my Dad. He’s a classy mofo. It was totally worth the $16.95 for a one time use shirt that took my Dad a half an hour to notice.

Jordan had a really hard time getting a hold of his parents and trying to organize a time to see them in person so after like three weeks he just told them over the phone. Special, huh? Since it was such a shock and we were already living together in sin it took a little getting used to. Like a bitch slap. After a few days it switched from “Woah, that was unexpected” to “We love you more than Brad and FO for finally giving us a grandchild!”

The best reaction EVER though was my Grandma, the one who loves Jordan’s Dad. I told her I was pregnant and she looked back and forth from me to Jordan to my Mom to Space Stepdad with this weird half smile, half STFU look on her face. FOR 5-7 MINUTES. My grandma thinks I have no business making her a Great Grandmother, especially when she’s trying to land a much younger man. It also doesn’t help that she’s the biggest worry wart in the history of worry warts so she cannot be convinced that J and I can pull this parent shit off even though we live “so far away”. 45 minutes for the record. She’s ridonk too.

How did you break the news to the Impregnator? Don’t you think that you’d rather have acid poured on your Brittany than tell your dear old Dad you do the nasty?

16 comments:

cbarwife said...

"Nike that shit"-- LOVE!

And your husband is fantastic with that shirt! My hubby would LOVE that!! Haven't had to tell our parents anything yet--but that's always the thought that crosses my mind too that when you tell someone you're pregnant you're basically saying "Oh hey!! We had sex! WHoo hoo!!!"--like a 12 year old.

Jenna said...

My dad ruined the my-little-girl-has-sex surprise when, upon being asked if it was alright for his 17-year-old, senior-in-high-school daughter to go to senior week with her 19-year-old boyfriend, he abruptly asked me "Well, are you sexually active?" ...crickets... "I notice that you haven't answered my question, so I guess that's my answer" ...crickets... And I burst into tears.

So I suppose that, now that I'm married to the boyfriend, 7 years later, it won't come as a huge shock when I get knocked up ;] Ohhhhh Dad.

Brandy said...

Jonathan wanted to find Gramma and Grampa mugs and send to his parents since we hardly see them. We sent them, then we called them and they basically said -OH that is what we figured.- no tears no excitement nothing. They reacted the same when we eloped. Whatever.
For my parents I decided to put our due date in a nice picture frame. My parents came for the day with my sister(who already knew.) and I told them Id forgotten a xmas gift. So my mom opens it and is like -Oh what a lovely frame, we will have to put one of your wedding pics in it.- and Im all -Theres already a pic in it.- she stares at it forever and is like -OH is that your wedding date?- Eventually I see my dad gets it but it took my mom like ten minutes until Jonathan finally said -How many months away is that?- then she freaked out and burst into tears.
I was going to tell my bff by taking her in a photobooth and telling her between pics but instead I told her while walking through the food court of the mall. We saw a cute baby and we have this joke where she says -You should have a baby.- and this time I was like -ok how about October?- Saw my sister a few minutes after that and was like -Ok dont tell mom and dad- and she jumped up and down and was like -OMG YOUR PREGNANT! -
I knew I was pregnant and peed on a test while Jonathan was in the shower and he came up and I was like -Told you so, I know everything.- We had been trying for one month so it wasnt a surprise. Almost all our friends figured it out fast when I wasnt guzzling back the wine. They all knew before our parents!

Kim said...

We'd been trying for 5 months and the day aunt flo was supposed to show I knew something was up so I bought some tests after work. I announced to the hubs I was going upstairs to pee on a stick and it came up positive immediately. I started that weird laughing/crying in the bathroom, b/c you're right, you definitely have that "oh crap, it worked" moment. After composing myself I took the stick downstairs and told him we did it. He didn't believe me. I had to show him the stick, which he wouldn't touch b/c, you know, I peed on it. Then I could see the gears turning in his head as he tried to do the math about how much money we would need.

When we called my mom she had the same reaction as my husband, "Oh boy...okay." she was doing mental math too. And my dad yelled in the background something about cankles and hemorrhoids. My MIL screamed so loud I could hear it (hubs called her) and she may have cried (she's super excited about having a grandbaby).

When hubs told my FIL he said "uh, that's funny." Weird, right? Well, my FIL has a 3 year old son in Africa (he does a lot of work over there) and we knew he had a new girlfriend (who's my age, btw) in Mozambique. So the hubs first thought after his dad's reaction was "the GF is probably pregnant". Turns out we were right, she had his baby a few months ago. So it was funny that I was pregnant b/c so was his 28 y.o. GF in Africa. We're getting him a big box of condoms for Christmas this year.

Kelli said...

I think it was most difficult to tell my students. I teach middle school, and I am always hearing them whisper or gossip about sex. Being pregnant in a school is advertising your sexuality to 12 and 13 year olds and it's a bit weird. I never thought about my teachers' sex lives, but if I had a pregnant teacher I probably would have.

JC said...

Haha! Love the story ... is it ever as fairy tale as you want? I wish. I took two tests before telling M. We weren't trying to get pregnant (planning, scheduling, temperature taking ...) but we weren't not trying. I just knew one morning. Crazy. But then I was like, "whoa ... now I should tell M and have evidence to back it up!" so I bought 4 tests (the fancy ones so I wouldn't freak out not knowing alone) and took two. The first was "pregnant" and obviously the second was too. I just had to be sure. Then that night I told him I "thought I was preggers" and that I would wait until the morning pee to test it. He was like "do it now!" so I did (third test) and then we did the 4th in the morning. Both in shock both super excited. It wasn't romantic, fairy tale, or crazy ... just matter of fact. But he still doesn't know I did the first two without him because my reaction the third and fourth time was the same as the first time. I am crazy. I still can't believe it and I have the 7mo old to prove it! :)
My dad is mush so he cried (for days) and my mother screamed in joy. She has wanted a grandchild since I was 5 (but without me having sex - ever - to get it). Not sure about M's parents. They are weird, dude. He told them on the phone and they never said anything to me about it until I was like 4mo pregnant and almost showing. Whatevs.

KimR said...

@ Kelli- I totally understand where you're coming from. It is super embarrassing being pregnant around kids.
Even after having one child I was scared to get pregnant again because I didn't want my parents to be at me. I still feel like such a kid, even though I haven't lived with them since I graduated high school. My mom was such an ice queen when I told her I was pregnant. My MIL was super excited, so was my dad. My FIL doesn't get excited unless his beer/snuff is on sale.

Miranda said...

LOVE the story!! So I found this website and you totally need to look at it and write a post on it. I'm going to blog vicariously through you :) http://www.parenting.com/gallery/Mom/Ridiculous-Parenting-Products/21/ Its 23 pages of the most ridonk baby items ever! So funny!

Raquel said...

@cbar- I will send it to the shirt if you take a pic with him in it. That would be hilarious.

@Jenna- I hear you about having the akward sex talk with Dad. My Stepmom would tell him all the time I was a slut but he didn't believe it until I finally got pregnant.

@Brandy- Effing love the photobooth idea. That's how I'm going to tell Hubs about Baby #2. And I was also weirded out when I thought I read that you peed on the stick in the shower. I totally thought you were one of those couples who like to give each other golden showers. Glad I misread.

@Kim- It is so weird that you're a little bit shocked when it finally happens. I would love to meet your FIL's baby mamma.

@Kelli- YES! I would always feel like my teacher was all of a sudden a dirty slut when she was pregnant instead of the innocent woman she was before. So weird.

@JC- I love that you were shocked EVERY TIME. Pregnant women are crazy like that.

@Miranda- I will totally effing do it this week. Love that the link was direct to the PeePee TeePee.

@

Brandy said...

Its funny because I almost put (we have two bathrooms and he was in the other one) but didnt.
HA!

cbarwife said...

As soon as I'm knocked up... I'm sending you an email! :)

Mrs Gator said...

Funniest post EVERRRRRR

Oph said...

That is so funny! I don't have to worry about the dad issue since my daddy passed away but S's dad sleeps across the hallway from us so I think it'd be awkward! Though he wants to move out...I try not to think about it in relation to him across the hallway. I think the bun in the oven is such a cute idea! S would probably do the same thing, made that I only made one and only that lol. Boys are silly.

Bam said...

For J. for all the photos of baby's first day.
http://www.tvstoreonline.com/sein019.html

Mrs H said...

Great shirt - I should have gotten that for my husband!
We had been trying for almost a year (well, half assed trying to be honest) and taking tests had become so routine that I pretty much always expected a negative and was frankly a bit relieved each time. So when I first saw the positive result I was pretty shocked and cried out "What the fuck???!!" My hubs was in bed and asked what was wrong, I stalked out of the bathroom with the test and said, "What does this look like to you?" Of course he had never seen the cheapy two lined tests before so was not sure what it meant. We went out for lunch and my last guilt free mimosa and then bought the digital test to confirm. Yup - Preggars.
6 months, 3 ultrasounds and two solid weeks of kicking and I still think my husband believes I am just getting fat and using this whole baby thing as an excuse to eat more carbs.

KT said...

That tshirt is hilarious!!

 

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