Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Don't. Get. Pregnant.

I am going to be pregnant forever. F-O-R-E-V-E-R. That lady that was pregnant for 49 years? That’s totally going to be me…minus the stone baby. Never get pregnant. Ever. Everytime I poo I think to myself “This might be the last poo I take as a baby-free woman” since apparently you poop before you go into labor. Or oooh, I think that’s what a menstrual cramp feels like but I’m not really sure since it’s been so damn long since I even had a period, maybe I’m in labor?!

Like two weeks ago I legitimately thought I was in labor. At like 4 in the morning I had horrible cramping and I laid in bed trying to sleep through it but they were too painful. I was so pumped that this was probably it. Go time. I snuck out of bed and “labored” in the living room and then decided to take a hot bath to ease the pain and wait to get Jordan up since it was like 5:30 am. Finally I thought things were bad enough to wake him up so I got out. Then I had diarrhea. Do you know what it’s like to think you are finally about to pop out the kid you have been preparing for for one hundred years and then deliver liquid poop? It is not fun. In fact, it’s actually really embarrassing. But I tell you this crap so that you don’t get your hopes up because it’s probably just a bowel movement.

And we have another baby appointment tomorrow morning with Dr. Potato Head. At least the nurse gave me the heads up that every time Dr. PH and I see each other now, he’s going to be violating me. You know how you clean and tidy your house when you know people are coming over so you don’t embarrass yourself when a pet hair tumbleweed blows across your floor or your sink is full of dishes? Let me just tell you, it’s not fun knowing you’re going to be having visitors down there when you don’t even know what the state of your downstairs is. Or that you have developed some sickly looking stretch marks on the underside of your belly. That you couldn’t see and were blissfully unaware of. Until your husband told you. And advised you to bust out the cocoa butter.

I wish besides the morning sickness I would have not have had a relatively easy pregnancy because I have been totally caught off guard lately. Friggen end of pregnancy. Stupid fat feet, effing maternity pants that are too comfy, god damn punched in the vagina feelings, son of a bitching diarrhea labor, to hell with stretch marks you couldn’t even see and suck it sleepless nights. This is some real bull.


JC said...

You are almost there! Congratulations!!!! Good luck and I hope that the next time you poo it is before the baby comes!

Brandy said...

You know you can tell Dr.PH that you are declining the violation. It's your right as a patient.
It doesn't tell him squat about when the baby is coming. I haven't had one internal the whole pregnancy and probably won't.

I'm 37 weeks this Saturday which means any time after Saturday I could have a baby.


I keep being told about some sort of crazy energy burst right before labour starts. I'm relying on that burst to clean my whole house, I better damn well get that burst!

Nell said...

when r u due?

Nell said...

so im watching teenmom and maci is being a bitch not letting ryan see his son one day more

Brandy said...

I watched teen mom this morning and these are my thoughts.
1- still dislike Farrah and her mom a lot. Farrah left Sophia on the counter. WTF?
2- I think Gary's friend is a douche and Gary is a douche nozzle for listening to him.
3-Whoa Catelynn is really chunky and everyone keeps saying "it's cos you had a baby." but that was almost a year ago maybe it has more to do with her laying around doing nothing.
4- Catelynns mom is a horrible, evil, disgusting woman.
5-I can sort of see Maci's point about her going to school/working etc and Ryan suddenly wanting one extra day after ignoring Bentley the first year of his life. I get the feeling Ryan's parents are the ones who really want the extra day. Also that lawyer he saw is a slimeball.

i love to teach math said...

enjoying pooing. enjoy reading a mag or what ever you do willing doing it -- because once you have baby you be afraid VERY AFRAID of pushing out the pooo
and enjoy the punched in the vagina feelings --- later it will feel like a mac truck crashed into it and not just any truck, one that was going down a really steep ice road and never hit the brakes mac truck
ps. thanks for writing. and buy a comfy head band because you are going to need to keep your hair back and out of your face -- bc all you will be doing soon is staring down at the most beautiful person you have ever seen


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