While I Was Out...

I am one crabby bitch. Seriously. I am an asshole about everything lately and I don’t want to do anything. Why do people think it’s okay to harass pregnant women? Like, someone (in Jordan’s family) left a message instructing me to look up some things and print crap off and send it to her the other day. What the eff? Do it yourself. I’m pregnant. Or when the Cougster called up to ask for a ride since she knew we were in town. Call one of your other kids who lives in the same city. I’m pregnant. Oh, can we come over to your house? Find something else to do. I’m pregnant.

Which brings me to the next hot topic. Brad. So Brad and FO called to ask if they could come over to celebrate Jordan’s new job. I have to act like I like them sometimes, so I said okay and we decided to have “Make your own Pizza” night. The only thing that went well that night was the pizza.

So they brought their leg-pissing-on, jumping-on, cat-chasing, floor-shitting-on, Rubi-riling-up, dog to our house. Without asking. It’s like 5 months old but they bring it EVERYWHERE. It goes to Mother’s Day lunch where it jumps on someone and takes a hamburger off of their plate. It goes to the Welcome Back party at an apartment building that does not allow dogs. It even goes to my Baby Shower where it PISSED ON A GUEST and neither Brad nor FO apologized or even acknowledged the fact that their asshole dog pissed on someone right when the party started. And it jumps on shit. It knows how to roll over and shake and crap. Here’s an effing trick, teach her to not jump on pregnant women. I don’t know why they insist on bringing it everywhere, it’s past the cute puppy stage and it uses a kennel, so leave it home. But they need the attention.

I don’t know who’s the bigger asshole, the dog or Brad and FO. When your dog pisses on someone you get embarrassed and apologize up and down to the person. You also don’t ask to hitch a ride with another family member to an event 2 hours away and not tell them that you’re bringing your shedding dog into her just detailed car. You don’t try to blame your dog shitting on someone’s carpet because it ate all the dog who lives there’s food and try to blame it on the dog who lives there. You don’t let your annoying dog chase their cats around the house, especially if one of them is way too old for the stress.

Both the dog and Brad and FO need tons more training. I don’t know if you can teach a dog or a person not to be a self-centered, rude asshole though. Okay, I’m CERTAIN that you cannot undo this behavior since it was pretty damn clear when Brad mentioned that he and FO would be visiting much more frequently when the baby is born. Hold the phone, you think what? Jordan must be slightly brain dead because he didn’t say ANYTHING about how this was not going to happen, so I tried to politely explain that life with a newborn with be much different and I don’t want to have to worry about the house being clean or having to leave the room for 45 minutes to breastfeed and burp and change her and then do it again in 2 hours. AND HE GOT PISSED. Are you reading this shit? He made a HUGE stank about it and was all offended but dropped it 10 minutes later. Until he had had 6 more beers and brought it up again. (Oh yeah, there is NEVER a time when Brad is around that he’s not drinking) Of course, being drunk gave him the confidence to bring it up again. Not only that, he started yelling and mocked the fact that I am so committed to breastfeeding and I was just using it as an exuse. I was in the kitchen with FO and after 5 minutes of his pissing and moaning yelled to J to tell his bother to STFU or he could forget visiting AT ALL. Then Brad got up and told us all to go fuck ourselves and for FO to get their shit because they were leaving. WHO DOES THAT? Who picks a fight with a pregnant chick and pouts about not being able to try to push his way into someone else’s life. Brad does.

That was after Brad let the effing dog off the leash and it ran around and FO came out and screamed obseneties at the dog and her husband…in front of our neighbors.
The good news is that Jordan has agreed that I do not have to see Brad for the rest of my pregnancy nor are they allowed to babysit. I also let J know that Brad and FO are not allowed at our house any longer since drinking, screaming at each other and bringing jumping asshole dog is not appropriate behavior for a couple with an infant. I don’t know if he told Brad this, but I will be glad to let him know myself. After I calmed down a week later, I consider “Make your own Pizza” night a success.

But enough about Brad. J and I have exciting news. Well not “We had the baby FINALLY!” news but, good new nonetheless. I think I mentioned somewhere that J is a contractor but took a part time job since work has been slow and there ain’t no way we will be able to ride the money rollercoaster like we used to sometimes do, with a baby. The part time job is retarded but THANKFULLY he got a call back from a company he’s being trying to get in for a while…where he will be making DOUBLE what he makes at his current job in a full time position. Heck yes. They have some bitchin’ benefits that I’m super excited about. (You know you’re a lame adult when…) J keeps telling me about all the shit we are going to buy and how I don’t have to be a weird money saving fool anymore. Umm, no. My husband is an idiot and just for that comment I’m going to lie to him and make our own laundry detergent since he shot down the idea before. And I’m going to get me some wool dryer balls too.

OMG. Do not want to forget to mention that the anal swabbage I was so freaked out about was not totally not that bad. If I had to, I would do it again. Not that I liked it. I’m not some weirdo who gets turned on by having my anus swabbed, just that I didn’t even know that she had done it and I made a huge deal over nothing. So if the horror of having your bum swabbed was a baby deal breaker for you, I’m here to tell you to just go for it.

Last time we talked I didn’t have Shrek feet either. It’s quite the change from my usual boney looking, crack whore feet and J even had the pills to ask me if I ever had ankles. But he did add that he was glad that my face didn’t look like my feet. Thanks punkin.

Oh yeah, the baby dropped too. And it feels like I had rough sex…except it doesn’t hurt when I pee. This shit sucks, it hurts to toss and turn in bed and getting off of or onto things is a real bitch. It feels like someone punched me in the vagina. Maybe it was the baby. She may or may not be pissed off that I keep trying to speed things up by walking and making us both deal with spicy food. But I will be the first to tell you that she better not piss and moan about my nipples. I don’t care how many blisters the one has from trying to pump my breasts. Yeah, I’m the crazy woman with the breast pump contraption attached to me while watching Grey’s Anatomy trying to make some damn Oxytocin and have some contractions. It was a good episode and I wasn’t paying attention and before you know it it’s been 30 minutes and my nipple has 2 blisters. This is not a good sign. And a word to the wise, nipple ointment and having to wear breast pads BEFORE you have a baby is not a turn on for your husband. I tried to offer up some sex and he declined. Apparently, it’s also not a turn on when you he knows that there is a real, life sized baby in there. I don’t think he realizes that the next time he will get sex is in 60 days IF I deliver on my due date and IF I am cleared for take-off at 6 weeks post partum. I would also like to note that he was subconsciously air humping the side of the bed the other day. I give it a week, pregnant-with-a-life-size-baby-body or not.

Still not sure how things are going to go with the blog. Maybe I won’t be a cranky bitch for the next few weeks and I will post. But I’m worried about what my life will be like when Jillian is FINALLY here. Am I going to have time? Will I feel guilty about taking the time to post and respond to comments? Will laundry get done? We’ll have to see. But you can be certain that I will be here tonight for our Teen Mom chat. Anyone else feel like last week sucked since it wasn’t on?

Teen Mom Chat

See you 15 minutes to showtime!

Bad News Bears

I am in a total funk right now. I don’t want to do anything. Maybe it’s pregnancy hormones or my subconscious trying to tell me I should enjoy my lazy life now because the shit is about to hit the fan and I am going to be hella busy.

Blogging has been such work lately and I’m sure you’ve noticed. Sometimes I sit in front of Microsoft Word and try to think of something to write about. I have nothing to talk about. I feel like once I have the baby then I can talk about breastfeeding and cloth diapering and being a Momma but until then, my life is so boring. All I can think about is how I should really blog about the useless baby crap website that was sent to me, but I’m just too lazy to do it. I’d rather hang doors.

Oh yeah, someone asked the other day about why the eff we don’t have doors and here’s the short version. We bought a house that was trashed and my handy husband has been tearing down walls and replacing drywall and the whole works for the past two years. Doors and trim are two of the last things and well, no one visits us anyway so we don’t really need those things. We do have doors on the two bathrooms and Jilly’s room but that’s it. I have been totally stressing about the laundry room not being re-drywalled and textured and just the general unfinishedness of the house. I mean, we have a baby coming and we need a bedroom door. And a nice laundry room. I’m pretty sure Jordan is nesting because he’s volunteered to start working on things as opposed to the epic struggle of me offering to help him, him getting mad and shit not getting done. Finally, he realizes that I’m not just being a nagging bitch, I’m being a freaked out pregnant person with a baby on the way who needs a door.

I so feel like I will be letting my BFFs down if I don’t post everyday and I don’t have something even remotely ridonk to talk about but then I realized that if I just came clean you’d get it. Blogging everyday was a HUGE thing to take on and I’ve only started to realize that it’s actually a lot. Maybe too much for a first time blogger about to become a first time mom. I mean I am about to have a lil’ nugget and between breastfeeding and cloth diapering and not knowing shit about babies I’m pretty sure that’s too much pressure and pretty unrealistic.

So, I’m going be posting less frequently in the coming weeks because I’m so lazy right now. (We’re being honest right?) And my Mom finally gets back from Alaska today (!!!!) so I want to bond with her before the baby comes and she goes back to teaching.

But fear not, Teen Mom Chatters. I would not miss Teen Mom chats for the world so no matter what a lazy sad pants Sally I’m being I will be here Tuesday nights without fail.

Oh and p the fudge s. I need to unload some of my inventory so I’m having a 40% off sale at Jillybee on Etsy. All prices will be changed to reflect the sale prices and you should TELL YOUR FRIENDS. That’s almost half off, not quite but almost. It’s just too hard to come to terms with the fact that I am destined to have a bald baby girl and be the lady who sells infant hair accessories.

Baby Shower 3

The baby shower was fun. Except the part where we played games that made me feel like a crap mom. We played some game that was like a crossword without the blanks to fill in. There was a clue and the answer was a part of a baby. For example: Part of an apple. The answer was skin. Or Weatherclock as the clue and the answer was vein. I got 15 out of 39. It was effing hard and I seriously questioned my ability to raise a baby when I can't even think of parts of one.

But it wasn't as hard as the next game, the Nursery Rhyme game. The host asked questions about nursery rhymes and you had to think of the rhyme and then answer the question. Like the question would be “What did Mary have?” and the answer would be lamb. Except they weren’t even nursery rhymes that I have even heard of like Mary Had A Little Lamb. There was some bull about Sunday’s child or some crap and rodents. Then someone pointed out that I was "too young" to know them since that was probably before my time. It was total bull and I’m convinced that the game was selected just to make me look like a dumbass. It probably would have been less embarrassing to play the toilet paper game where they try to guess how fat I am.

Like, who plays those games? I’ve never even heard of those damn games. Where the eff was Baby Bingo and the melted candy bar in a diaper game? Apparently not at my baby shower, apparently they play those games at baby showers where the games organizer doesn’t have beef with the mom-to-be.

Speaking of beef. There was none. THANK GOD. Jordan’s family loves them some hot beef. Every friggen family get together the main course is hot beef sandwiches. It’s not even like Arby’s (which I also hate) it’s shredded beef with no seasoning. None. It is the most tasteless dish I have ever had and yet his family is all over that shit. And I guess you put mayo and cheese on it and viola, dinner. I don’t get it. Then again, when there are forty people to feed hot beef is pretty cost effective. I hosted the fall party and did hot beef but at least I made it BBQ flavored. You should have heard his family, it’s like I was god damn Paula Deen with that shit. All fancy with taste and crap. Do you know people who make hot beef or is this a Podunk Wisconson person thing? Like cocktail weenies. They were there and they were a hit. Nothing oozes class and sophistication like a cocktail weenie doused in some sort of maple syrupy sauce. I know that bite sized weenies have to be a Wisconsin specific food. I can’t really imagine Bethenny Frankel with a plate of them or Amber from Teen Mom for that matter. At least you can say “weenie” all day and not be judged for it.

Mean games and weenies aside, it was a really good time. I have nothing to talk about than the baby since I have no life so it was really convenient to be at a soiree that was about me being fat/pregnant. And when I had had enough talking it was nice to be able to keep stuffing my face full of cupcakes and tuna salad. That’s what I would like to do at most of the get togethers when I have nothing to talk about or try to avoid someone I don’t like but it’s much easier to do when you can play the pregnant card. Try it, you’ll like it.

Finally.

Today is my last baby shower with J’s family and I’m so relieved to be wrapping things up and finally be able to buy anything we don’t have yet. I have serious issues about having items on the registry without a checkmark by them. I’ve been getting the shakes.

Even better news? J is nesting and I’m taking advantage of the fact that we can make some mad progress on the house. He’s even been talking about cleaning the carpets and finally putting up doors. If you have doors, you have no idea what luxury you are living in. Sooo, you I will most likely be MIA on Sunday as well.

But if you think of anything you’d like to hear me blog about, tell me. I’ve been in a total slump lately and cannot think of a damn thing to talk about.

See you all Monday!

Pregnancy: Round II?

I don’t know if I can do this shit again. J and I love the idea of tons of kids running around and having our own little gaggle of children following us (me) around. Turns out, you have to get pregnant to do that. Okay, well technically you don’t have to get fat/pregnant again to have more kids but I would much rather be forced into sex a few times and play the pregnancy card the rest of the time than take my chances with not having the fallback pregnant person excuses to save me. But that’s just me, one of the few preggos that can’t get enough not having sex.

The Hubster and I cannot figure out how we’ve made it this far with Jilly. Poor guy. He probably didn’t expect exactly how crazy hormones can make your once sane partner. I know I didn’t think I would be whipping milk at the floor or crying about not getting a Babycook. Then again, he doesn’t have to look at stretch marks or rub ointment on my hemorrhoids (the last one’s was a one night only performance) or hear me bitch about heartburn. Really, it could be worse. Still, I may not get so lucky next time and I don’t know if I’m willing to take my chances with having to deal with morning sickness again. That was the real bitch.

I’m totally okay with just Jilly, I was an only child and I’m not that big of a freak because of it. I’m a little stubborn and opinionated but the jury is still out on where all that comes from. But when your husband comes from a family of five children, he seems to think one nugget is not normal. Like being a total puss because you have sibling issues is normal? It’s a whore a piece. (P.S. – Everyone has it wrong, it’s not a horse, it’s a whore)

J is still banking on finding a pregnancy camp but if that weren’t an option, I think he would still knock me up again and just keep his fingers crossed. I guess I could pop out another nugget. The help around the house would be nice and I think I can figure that I can use the children to acquire more pets.

Are you going to be/stay a threesome? Are you planning on a large family or do you have multiple kidlets? Was being pregnant easier the second or third time around?

Ugggghhh Pregnancy.

I am so over being pregnant. Neither of us have enough room and I’m starting to understand what “uncomfortable” means in relation to being fat/pregnant. I don’t know why I chuckle at all the shit they say will happen to you physically and emotionally in “What to Expect” because it bites me in the ass a few days or weeks later. Besides that, I’m just too impatient and I have to meet this little person like, now.

They didn’t mention it in “What to Expect” and I was blindsided when I was told yesterday but I’d also love to avoid the strep B test. Nothing about anal swabbage sounds fun at this point. They should just give you the option to bring in a note instead promising that you don’t have it and will pass on being violated. Apparently this is not an option and my only hope is to go into labor before my next appointment on the 25th.

I had a talk with the baby and we’re thinking next Saturday for her grand entrance. Preferably after visiting hours are over but if Jillian’s willing to do me a solid and come early I think I would be okay if she came at like noon or something. I’m flexible like that.