You Will Be Loved- And It Will Annoy You

So you’ve had your baby. Get ready to be bothered.

Like I said, Marta the Midwife put me back together and I took a shower. I barely had my giant mesh panties (and I use that term loosely) on before they were kicking my ass to the maternity ward. The good news is you get to ride in a wheelchair. The bad news? You will not want to because the last thing you want to do is put any kind of pressure on your new testicles while you try to keep your robe closed. Then you round the corner and your FIL and StepMIL are there to witness the sad sight.

Ughhhh. I moved as fast as I could in my mangled state into the significantly more comfy than the L&D cot, but still not soft enough for your sore self…because they were coming to bother me. I don’t know if you’re like me (a crabby asshole) but the last thing I wanted was visitors just hours after pushing a human being out of me. They stayed too long too and they didn’t get the hint that it was time to heave ho because I needed to whip my boob out to nurse. Come to think of it, no one really got that hint. The baby is crying and I can feel my boobs leaking and I’m trying desperately to signal to Jordan to make them leave but they don’t. Next time I will be rude about it.

When they finally left Jordan and I talked about how weird it was to have a baby finally and how his parents stayed too long and then went to bed. Well he did, I got up every two hours to nurse. The next morning more people came to bother me. In fact, Jordan’s aunt who we aren’t particularly close with showed up bright an early, 30 minutes after we got up, with her husband and their daughter. It was weird. Then the Cougster came but she left after 15 minutes. That was nice, that’s the perfect amount of time to bother me. We got a 3 hour break before my Dad, Stepmom, Naked Grandmad and Idiot Sister came. My Dad kept telling me how proud he was and how beautiful Jillian was and then he asked Idiot Sister if she wanted to hold her. Thank God she said no. Then friggen’ DoucheBrad came and interrupted my Dad’s time with his brand spankin’ new granddaughter. FO cried and I let her hold Jillian. Then my Dad and Co. left because they got crowded out. Sad. You would think it was bad enough having DoucheBrad there but it gets worse. Like he shit in my patient bathroom. Oh yessss, he shit next to my giant pads, mesh panties and Dermaplast and it stank it up. Bad. Then it stanked up the ENTIRE ROOM. Who does that? Who stinks up the room of a woman who is basically bed ridden and expecting hourly visitors? I yelled at him and then they left. Douche. Then a ton more people bothered me before we left like his Dad and my StepMIL…again.

But the most bothersome but completely excusable visitor was my aunt. My Aunt LOVES babies (and me) so you can only imagine how much she loves my baby. My Mom and I called her the morning that we left for the hospital but told her we would call when she could visit. I specifically had the Privacy Note on my account so if anyone called or came, the front desk, maternity ward and L&D were to tell NO ONE so I wouldn’t be bothered. But my Aunt REALLY LOVE BABIES so after she got done with work she cruised the hospital parking ramp looking for our cars. She found them and upon confirming that we were there, entered and wandered around L&D until a nurse who was frustrated with my Aunts failure to accept the “We can’t say whether that person is a patient at our hospital” schpeele, finally came to ask if she could come in. I was irritated but I like her so I let her stay. But she stayed too long too and she cried and it made me uncomfy and have to cry too.

Did you like visitors or did you try to go celebrity on their asses and use the Privacy Note? Did anyone take a stinky dump in your patient bathroom?