Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jillian: Tardy for the Party

The week that Jillian was due I was ten kinds of ridiculous. I was doing crazy shit like crying to my Step MIL on the phone because I was frustrated with being huge and sweaty and feeling like someone punched me in the vagina. I even pulled out a clump of my hair in the shower and then cried for like 20 minutes. I whined to my Dad that I was lied to. That I was told 40 weeks and I put my time in. I paid my dues. See? A tad dramatic.

Jillian was tardy for the party by 5 days when I saw my midwife again. After telling the nurse that I was in a mental state where I could probably club a baby seal she advised me to put the waterworks on when Marta the Midwife came in. Cry I did and even though Marta the Midwife tried to pull some bull on me about….well I don’t really know, I wasn’t listening, BUT she finally agreed to send me to the hospital the next morning at 6 am.

Jordo and I spent our last baby-free evening trying our luck at the casino and then hit the hay. I didn’t sleep. Jordan, of course, had a restful sleep full of his annoying nighttime mouth breathing. My Mom took one last fat photo of me and we headed to the hospital to finally have a damn baby.

I don’t even know if I told you or not but I went to the hospital on my due date thinking my water broke. It didn’t. I just pissed my friggen’ self. And of course, the peed-myself-false-alarm nurse was on duty and assigned to me for the real deal. At least we knew I wasn’t going home with soggy underwear this time (kinda). After the shift change I was assigned Nurse Linda. She was AWESOME, even though she was in control of the pitocin drip. And even though she broke my water without telling me and I thought I peed…again.

So anyway my Mom, Jordan and I were all hanging out, watching Teen Mom and laboring. Well I was at least. It was a good time until around ten (4 hours in) when the contractions really started to be a bitch to deal with. My Mom kept assuring me that it was only going to get worse. Thanks Mom. At noon I was holding on to the rails for dear life and holding my breath, because I’m an idiot. Don’t hold your breath, do the damn breathing. Oh, and those tarts who tell you contractions feel like menstrual cramps are lying through their teeth. IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE THAT…IT’S WORSE. WAY WORSE. Like my Mom said.

Fifteen minutes later God, I meanLinda came in to check on me and offered me drugs. Glorious drugs! ‘Member how I was going to go natural? Well I caved and got the Nubain and it was the best time I had had since making the baby. I felt drunk like right away. It was awesome and instead of wanting to die, I just felt like I had to shit liquid. It was probably more awesome for my Mom and Jordan since they didn’t have to listen to me piss and moan anymore. The bad news was, it wore off at around 2 and the contractions were back with a vengeance. Linda gave me another dose of the Nubain and squeaked that this second dose wouldn’t be nearly as effective as the first. Greaaaaaat.

3 rolled around (9 hours in) and I had to poop. Bad. Linda let me use the bathroom and I tried like hell to lay one but I was pretty sure I would turn into one of those “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” girls and have a water birth so I had to knock it off. Then a contraction came and my Mom sent Jordan in to check on me. “Throwing me to the Wolf” he called it, since he got screamed at to get out. Come to think of it Jordan got yelled at a lot. Whatever, I birthed his child, so he can suck it.

Just a note to those super private about their privates ladies: I was so shy at first and kept my lady bits covered as much as you possibly can in that situation. Then I was sweating like a whore in church and in pain and I didn’t care. I would have flashed the Pope had he been there. My Mom still says that’s how she knew by my total lack of decency that I was ready to push.

After I got back on the army cot I thought I was going to ralph so they brought in the sock-looking bag, just in case. Between feeling like you REALLY have to poop and clinching for dear life and dry heaving I was ready to have a baby. I told Linda I was going to start pushing. Then she checked me and I happened to be 10 centimeters so she agreed. Not that I needed her okay. So Linda is telling me to “curve around” my baby and pull my chin to my chest and all this other shit I didn’t listen to while Jordan counts to ten. Epically slow. I don’t think I ever made it to 6 thanks to his slow ass. So I’m pushing and it’s horrible. Then I poop and it’s more horrible. Jordan can’t handle any bodily fluids (or solids) so he was gagging. If you're wondering if you care that you are shitting and a stranger is wiping your ass matters at this point. The answer is no. Absolutely not.

Then I crowned. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. It feels like you’re birthing the head of a grown man with a HUGE hook nose and the hook nose is getting caught on the top of your ‘gina and is taking your clitoris with it. Or like birthing a bag of razors. No joke. I screamed one of those Hollywood-movie-with-a-birth-scene screams and probably scared the piss out of the other preggos. This was about the time I realized that the room was full. They were lady nurses who had quite obviously never birthed anything waiting to take care of Jillian. It made me mad. Then Jillian was born at 3:57 pm on September 24th after a 22 minutes of vagina-tearing pushing and I wasn't mad. They laid her on me and it was the single greatest moment of my life. She was gorgeous, goo in all.

I held onto her until Marta the Midwife finally showed up and started stitching me back up. It was too painful for me to hold on to her and brace myself so Jordan got to stare at our new baby. Marta would stab my ‘gina to numb it only for the numbness to wear off 15 minutes later. Feeling the needle make the stitches was less painful than taking the needle to re-numb me. This was the only part where I cried but, 45 minutes and 3 needles full of what was supposedly an anesthetic, Humpty Dumpty was back together again. Humpty Dumpty also wanted a damn shower.

Let me just tell you birth is gross. It is so gross and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Here’s a run down of my nasty birth experience. Water gets broken and warm liquid leaks out for like an hour. Don’t even think about laughing, it will gush out. Ewww. Then you start pushing and if you’re like me, you poop. Ewwww. Then the baby comes out and s/he is covered in goo. Ewww. Aforementioned goo also comes out of your vagina and it too is warm. Ewww. Then the placenta comes out. Ewww. You will want a shower. Then you’ll discover that your lady bits are super puffy and closely resemble testicles. I swear, if I would have had the guts to flick one, it would have kept shaking for a little while after. Don’t worry, they shrink back to normal size…eventually.

On a side note, it’s true, the GIANT mesh panties moms talk about are wonderful. They’re roomy and they keep the matching GIANT hospital pads from rubbing on your sore testicles. Steal both when you leave because you’ll bleed for like a month.

Any questions?

ETA: Nubain* is a semi-synthetic narcotic/analgesic and it's a damn good time.


Steph said...

I love your birth story! Hilarious. I don't comment all the time, but I have read your blog from beginning to end. So happy your blogging again! Also, the pic of Jillian yesterday was ADORABLE.

Anonymous said...

SO FUNNY! I laughed my ass off. We missed you! Glad to have you back with your funny stories. I am glad Jillian was worth every bit of that grossness and pain!

Married In Chicago said...

Obviously someone with no children here - what is nubane?

Amy said...

"Then I was sweating like a whore in church and in pain and I didn’t care. I would have flashed the Pope had he been there."

Fuck, I love you.

Nell said...

omg your back yay!!!!! missed you

Kelli said...

Birth is gross. I don't know if you're at the "I'd do that again" stage yet, but somehow you get there. The first 4 months I was certain Aiden would be my only baby. I think the birth amnesia sets in once the baby gets to be more fun and have more personality.

EmilyB said...

Fuck. That. I shouldn't read things like this. But I do because I seriously want to know EVERYTHING before this happens to me.

Fave line: "Or like birthing a bag of razors."

I laughed SO HARD and Josh was like, "What's so funny?" No way in Hell was I going to tell him what I was reading. He'd take the internet away from me for sure.

Mrs. ummmmmm......Brownell said...

I read a bunch of my favorite lines of this to my husband. I think he is seriously scared of the "testicle" part.

Oph said...

I'm so happy that you're blogging again (totally sound like a stalker, sorry!)Jillian is gogeous (obviously). Thanks for the birth story! I guess when the time comes, I should be prepared that I may poo, not looking forward to that or the testicle sized va-jay-jay. Oy. Nice new lay-out too by the way.

Mrs Gator said...

Ahh I missed you so much!!!! So happy you are back. Your birth story is HILARIOUS.. and you know when you said that your BIL pooped in your bathroom... TOTALLY something my BIL would do!!! I'll have to watch him when it comes to be my time. lol.

But seriously, your posts make me laugh out loud when I read them. Then I get home and read them to my husband. They're that good.


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