Epic Douche

Jordan and I decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings watch the Packers/ Falcons playoff game. We invited DoucheBrad and FO. That was an idiot move.

We had had this night planned for almost two weeks and I was damn excited. Little Baby was going to stay with my Mom and Space Stepdad overnight so we could paint her new nursery and then Mom and Dad were going to get their drank on and watch the greatest football team ever throw around the ‘ol pigskin.

FO was excited too. I don’t know why, she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants and doesn’t have to find a babysitter but whatever. Excited. So the plan was that DoucheBrad and FO would go to BWW a little early to get a table and such and then we would meet them an hour later, at 6 after we dropped off Jillian. You know, because you have to go over all the “she ate at this time, and this is how she likes to be swaddled and don’t leave her alone with Space Stepdad” schpeel. But we still got there before them…and waited for 30 minutes for a table. While we were waiting and had to pass up a table because they weren’t there yet, Jordan and I noticed a buttload of kids. I don’t know about you but I don’t like to talk sassy and get crunk around kidlets. So I suggested we check out the situation at Stadium View Sports Bar & Grill*, the more appropriate place for my planned drunken night.

DoucheBrad and FO said they would pop in to see if we could get a table there. 30 MINUTES LATER they still hadn’t even left the friggen house. So Hubs and I went and it was hecka busy and DoucheBrad and FO still hadn’t left. We checked two more crowded bars that they suggested before we just gave up and went back to BWW. Finally DoucheBrad and FO decided to grace us with the presence. FO was already pissed because, get this shit… DoucheBrad decided that morning to go ice fishing and not return until 6:30. No need to scroll back up, the time they were supposed to be there was 5:00.

So FO is pissed and it’s all uncomfy because there’s a lot of “fuck” usage, like usual when they argue. A few drinks later we’re all fine, the Packers are crushing the Cardinals and then DoucheBrad goes to the bathroom. Apparently he notices a rash or some crap under his eyes and comes back to the table to demand that FO inspect it because it’s obviously frostbite and he probably needs medical care. Like any other sane adult FO tells him it is not frostbite and to STFU. DoucheBrad wants FO to go into the men’s bathroom to look, because it’s SO SERIOUS. She refuses because it's a men's bathroom and… DoucheBrad calls her a bitch. Loudly. She ignores him and then he decides she is a “SELFISH BITCH”. Every damn Packer fan now knows that FO is a selfish bitch. DoucheBrad makes Jordan look and because Jordan is DoucheBrad ‘s ass monkey he goes. FO and I ignore him and continue eating ourselves sick on chili con queso dip.

DoucheBrad finally gives up the frostbite shit and then decides that he’s going to invite himself over. I tell him no because we have to finish painting, ‘cuz I’m still nice at this point. That’s okay because he doesn’t mind, he’ll help. Umm no bitch. I tell him that we only have one roller. That’s okay too, he has some at his house, he’ll get them. WTF? No means NO man.

The funny thing is Jordan and I talked about how this would totally happen and DoucheBrad would try to weasel his way into our house because it’s what he ALWAYS DOES. Jordan and I agreed that we were going to go home, paint and then get it on. No DoucheBrad. Turns out Jordan did tell DoucheBrad this outside while they were smoking but he still didn’t get the fucking hint. While I was trying to be nice about the fact that DoucheBrad was not going to ruin my night I told Jordan to take care of it because I shouldn’t have to argue with his brother. He didn’t, he sat there like a tit head. Then I got angry. Angry because DoucheBrad is a friggen’ douche and angry because I tried hard to avoid this shit and Jordan still didn’t take care of it and angry that I was too angry to get it on now. And someone called me a honky.

FO and DoucheBrad got in a fight too and she ended up dropping him off on the side of the road then decided to call Jordan and tell him how worried she was about him. Make sense to you?

But don’t worry because even after this disaster and a week of arguing about how he let DoucheBrad ruin our night, DoucheBrad’s ass monkey decided to give him another chance so the DoucheBrad saga does not end here.

*Maybe you’ve heard of it? It was in ESPN’s 100 greatest sports bars of all time. And this girl used to work there.